tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41125051058770562072024-03-12T22:52:10.406-05:00What's invisible and smells like carrots?Rabbit farts.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-5993456510369164052016-02-22T10:35:00.001-06:002016-02-22T10:44:48.626-06:00Dirtbag Rollo of NormandyRecently in the <a href="http://theubergroup.org/" target="_blank">Ubergroup</a>, <a href="http://www.merryravenell.com/" target="_blank">Merry Ravenell</a> asked me a very important question about the historical context of my book:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Why didn't the Vikings just abduct the French women and sail home? Why set down roots? Rollo just married a Christian woman, got himself a duchy and ... ?</blockquote>
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In response, I present to you the newest instillation of Comically Short Histories of the Western World:<br />
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<h2>
<b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><u>Dirtbag <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rollo" target="_blank">Rollo of Normandy</a></u> </span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></b></h2>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">with credit to <a href="http://the-toast.net/author/mallory-ortberg/" target="_blank">Mallory Ortberg</a> of <a href="http://the-toast.net/series/dirtbags/" target="_blank">The Toast</a> for original Dirtbag series, legitimizing the half-assed way I plot my books by establishing a 'stylistic convention.'</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
Rollo: k, so I'm taking this, mine nao. I'm here with my best bitch Poppa<br />
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King Charles of West Francia: NO THIS IS MY LAND EXCUSE YOU KINDLY GTFO.<br />
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Rollo: LOL viking<br />
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Charles: FU <br />
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**Charles attacks**<br />
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Rollo: okay I do admit that actually kind of stings but ur still not getting me out of here.<br />
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Charles: **wheezes in exhaustion** Well, here's the Treaty of Saint-Clair-sur-Epte and you're my... vassal. Yes. We meant to do this. You will marry my daughter Gisele and your son with Gisele will inherit. So. It's for your kids. And also my kids. And you're gonna stop raiding churches, because you're Christian now, not a big scary pagan.<br />
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Rollo: Fine whatever. Dunk me in ur stupid tub. I don't actually need to keep nicking the shit in ur churches when I have a regular income.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-19749492931869784282015-08-15T01:04:00.000-05:002015-08-15T01:39:59.952-05:00Pitch Wars 2015: #pimpmybioJerry here. I've fallen in with the crazy kids over at <a href="http://www.brenda-drake.com/2015/08/pitch-wars-mentor-blog-hop/" target="_blank">Pitch Wars</a>, so I'm going to play the mentee bio game. Pick me!<br />
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<b>Genre:</b> Late Viking-era historical allegory, set during the Scandinavian conquest of Normandy. Like Arthurian legend with scrupulous period research. Only, instead of Arthur, it's <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rollo" target="_blank">Rollo</a>, and a theory about how the <a href="http://www.vikingrune.com/2009/09/marriage-viking-age/" target="_blank">Viking age was caused by selective female infanticide</a>.<br />
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Racial conflict. Religious oppression. Women fighting to rule. Maintaining personal ethics against the court of public opinion. You know, the little things. :)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv9tzWofmmKCXHvL9cNUHWZ7qBk0VWCufJcBTM6XMg8btZKvykZBCz3Z1TvZdck-wjz6_pPvJ_oECAdloxCzmm_yuOdUJ2JdWJ7fNLK9Lr1RmaOk6byYF1XrIsHVHez67C9h8pmwvaV3LX/s1600/Shieldmaiden.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv9tzWofmmKCXHvL9cNUHWZ7qBk0VWCufJcBTM6XMg8btZKvykZBCz3Z1TvZdck-wjz6_pPvJ_oECAdloxCzmm_yuOdUJ2JdWJ7fNLK9Lr1RmaOk6byYF1XrIsHVHez67C9h8pmwvaV3LX/s400/Shieldmaiden.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">More historically accurate than this, but I haven't gotten my own HBO deal yet.</span></div>
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<b>A few things about me:</b> In my 20s, I was a knight in shining armour by day and a CMS certified sommelier by night. I know it seems like those should go the other way around, but it's really hard to crush your enemies and see them driven before you after the sun goes down.<br />
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Now I travel and write full time. I run the <a href="http://bewarethejabb.blogspot.com/2013/12/how-ubergroup-works-for-n00bs.html" target="_blank">Ubergroup</a>, the most intensive writer's workshop on the internet, and run a <a href="https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/6249938" target="_blank">bnb in Manhattan</a> that allows my partner and I to take turns wandering around the world. We spent last winter in <a href="http://okaywelcome.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">France and Morocco</a>.<br />
<br />
You may have seen me around the internet, running my mouth off about <a href="http://dankoboldt.com/feudal-nobility-guide/" target="_blank">feudal nobility</a>, <a href="http://dankoboldt.com/short-history-western-warfare/" target="_blank">warfare in the western world</a>, and <a href="http://dankoboldt.com/female-professions-medieval-europe/" target="_blank">female professions of medieval Europe</a> for Dan Koboldt's <a href="http://dankoboldt.com/science-in-scifi/" target="_blank">Fact in Fantasy, Science in Scifi</a> series.<br />
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<b>Why you should pick me as your mentee:</b><br />
<br />
<b>1. I work like a coked-out sled dog. </b>The principles of aforementioned Ubergroup are work ethic, positive attitude, teamwork and helping each other becoming better writers. The main benefits of the Ubergroup are a rigorous structure that provides motivation; devoted moderators that intensively monitor consistency, quality, and tone of critiques to ensure everyone gets a large amount of useful feedback; and friendly, active members that create a positive but not sycophantic environment that constantly challenges us to grow. Yes, I do this for <i>fun. </i>And, you know... personal betterment.<br />
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Someone once described us as “a bunch of workaholics,” and that’s pretty accurate. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MteSlpxCpo" target="_blank">Work it harder make it better.</a><br />
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I have a simple motto: Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep improving. Keep working. I am never 'done.' When I get an agent, it will be time to gut and redraft, when I get a contract and an editor, it will be time to gut and redraft. Sharon Kay Penman released a new version of her breakout 'Sunne in Splendour' <i>with corrections</i> in 2013, thirty years after it was an NYT bestseller in 1983. Robert Heinlein's estate released the uncut version of 'Stranger in A Strange Land,' the way he'd wanted it, thirty years after the original and <i>after he was dead.</i><br />
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Pablo Casals (the musician) was asked at 90 why he still practiced every day, and he said, 'Because I think I'm seeing improvement.'<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">And to burninate the countryside.</span></div>
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<b>2. I'm happy to kill my darlings. </b>Art is a medium of communication. I never understood how artists could be attached to their untapped potential, yet to interact with anyone else and come alive in communication.<br />
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<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/1602074-the-velveteen-rabbit" target="_blank">“Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."</a><br />
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<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/1602074-the-velveteen-rabbit" target="_blank">''Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. </a><br />
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<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/1602074-the-velveteen-rabbit" target="_blank">"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."</a><br />
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I'm not attached to my manuscript. I'm attached to you. My audience. I want to see you laugh. I want to see you cry and scream and stand up and shout obscenities back at the stage. I want to affect you. The art is in making you feel it. I want to see you feel it. I want to hear you cheer and boo until you're hoarse. I'll kill my darlings a hundred times over until I birth something that communicates. None of the other incarnations matter until we come up with the one that <i>means something to you.</i><br />
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The kick comes from people, buddy boy.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">At chest height. Flying through mid-air.</span></div>
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<b>3. I live in Manhattan and love to cook.</b> You needed an excuse to visit NYC. And a <a href="https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/6249938" target="_blank">place to crash for free</a> in this ludicrously expensive city. And to pet my cat. And to have brunch with me.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifX1qM5oIrwW7C1-lbYUF1-yv8pvm_h8zXjxgXgRqFofMUDxBPElt3UHsxWwKibyoMXVaP0s_uXyUfmbxITpfNRAslw4nxKln6g6SdUevxEVF19HYSq0OMd02PK_NRdgjb9VQI07EUD07k/s1600/20150515_135641.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifX1qM5oIrwW7C1-lbYUF1-yv8pvm_h8zXjxgXgRqFofMUDxBPElt3UHsxWwKibyoMXVaP0s_uXyUfmbxITpfNRAslw4nxKln6g6SdUevxEVF19HYSq0OMd02PK_NRdgjb9VQI07EUD07k/s400/20150515_135641.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Library? Guest room? Why not both?</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Her name is Meyonce Knowles.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOjOgfXW_orT6iVJoCaD1P497jAgND84TMFE0uacmNsa1SyMiT52_s066wpVwybzMUY-hXmi13IyWjPFHSkPUGddgzp2e2VDW0inbOvHwmsSLesj4XXsU7l0EnYb0MJOHFeo86vDXZM4J6/s1600/10365872_10154703872475058_7668307164644009366_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOjOgfXW_orT6iVJoCaD1P497jAgND84TMFE0uacmNsa1SyMiT52_s066wpVwybzMUY-hXmi13IyWjPFHSkPUGddgzp2e2VDW0inbOvHwmsSLesj4XXsU7l0EnYb0MJOHFeo86vDXZM4J6/s320/10365872_10154703872475058_7668307164644009366_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Times when life doesn't require champagne: never.</span></div>
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<b>4. I am a mixed-race FTM transperson.</b> Oh god, I never thought I'd say that in a professional venue, but everyone keeps wondering why I care so much about race and gender issues. I present male professionally (although I usually present female socially and you will hear my partner and some friends use the female pronoun.) I feel kind of cheap saying this here, as you're not coming to date me and therefore the bits between my legs should not be relevant... sooooooo let's not talk about this anymore and I'll pretend I didn't say anything and you just take me at face value. Really, I'm pretty hard to offend, I won't care if you use both pronouns interchangeably :)<br />
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This is your friendly neighborhood crazy guy, signing off. <a href="http://youtu.be/vS8rpt1y6lk" target="_blank">Hear me now, O thou bleak and unbearable world...</a><br />
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Pitch Wars 2015 <a href="http://christopherkeelty.com/pitchwars-2015-pimpmybio-contestant-blog-hop/" target="_blank">Mentee Blog Hop</a> by Christopher KeelyAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-9682040287755207592015-05-28T14:13:00.001-05:002015-05-28T18:00:30.526-05:00New York Scribbers Weekly Writing Session<p dir="ltr">Tiamat House Bed and Breakfast, 413 E 114th street, unit 4E, New York, NY, 10029. Take the 6 train to 116th.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Every Sunday from noon-5pm, starting June 7th.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Free coffee and tea, good wifi.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Crit. Write. Hang out. Get shit done.</p>
<p dir="ltr">No cost, no catch. Snacks or booze to share, or donations towards the coffee fund are always appreciated.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Hosted by the Uberlord.</p>
<p dir="ltr">https://www.facebook.com/TiamatHouse<br>
https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/6249938</p>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-21066046090417651362014-12-21T16:03:00.003-06:002016-04-28T02:23:00.936-05:00Handling beta feedback and editsI was recently asked how I organise large quantities of feedback from beta readers. As some of you know, in my most recent round, I had over 20 readers. That's a lot of feedback, much of it conflicting. Many authors feel stuck when critiquers make opposing recommendations, or simply are overwhelmed by the prospect of sorting it all when they sign up for something like the Ubergroup's beta team and are slammed with hundreds of critiques and pages of debate.<br />
<br />
This is all assuming you have gotten as many beta readers as possible. This is also assuming you have a firm idea of your own artistic goals and personal style and have no problems saying "no, thanks." I'm not saying "write by committee," I'm just saying that to understand any large group--such as a whole target reader demographic--more data means more accuracy. So, provided you are confident in throwing out obvious outliers and things you don't like emotionally and personally, it's more helpful to see if 19 out of 20 people agree, instead of having two critiquers who disagree and no other 18 to weigh in.<br />
<br />
Assuming you want to take that route at all, here's my advice for how to sort the resulting feedback.<br />
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<b>1.) Make everyone talk to each other.</b><br />
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The reason I built the Ubergroup the way I did is because I find it helpful to have everyone hang out and have a round-table discussion. It's modelled on rehearsals for any sort of performing art. Music, dance, theatre, circus, it's all the same idea. You do your thing in front of your troupe and then they all pitch ideas at you, debate and discuss.<br />
<br />
I find that a lot of times, people who seem to being saying opposite things in their crits were actually just using different phrasings. When talking directly to each other, and one person says, "I have to disagree with your suggestion in your crit of chapter xyz, because I think..." the other person often says "Oh, yes, that would work, too. My suggestion was just another way to solve the same problem."<br />
<br />
That takes all the stress out of going "But person A said this and person B said that!" Having person A and B hash it out directly eliminates conflicts that were simple misunderstanding. A and B are often attacking the same problem from different angles, and discussion may lead to consensus.<br />
<br />
So, have everyone discuss together. I usually end up with something like 9 out of 10 people agreeing, and the 10th person admitting graciously they might just be the outlier. On the occasional thing where it's a split 5-5 vote, then I know I really have to look into the subject further. Knowing which topics are so divisive is also helpful.<br />
<br />
(Also, who doesn't find it hugely flattering listening to people debate your "literary themes"?)<br />
<br />
<b>2.) Sort the everloving shit out of it.</b><br />
<br />
I just finished sorting through the massive 20-page discussion thread from my last beta round, picking out all the salient suggestions and sorting them by general topic. I know know that sounds like a lot of work, but I find it even more work to jump around as I edit. If I change a scene based on one person's feedback, then I stumble across someone else's related suggestion on the same scene like 5 discussion pages later... guh. I hate having to re-edit a scene a dozen times because someone else made a really good point. It's far less work overall to paste all the suggestions on the same topic together, and think about it at once.<br />
<br />
It's important to add that I do not leave any of the conceptual ideas in the crits only. As I'm reading the crits, I bring up all the suggested conceptual changes in the dedicated discussion thread, and everyone opines. If there are 10 crits per chapter over 30 chapters--300 crits--Lord help me if I'm supposed to poke through the whole unsorted pile for a vague idea somewhere. I'd much rather copy-paste each individual comment into groups organised by topic the first time I read it, and never have to go through the whole mess again.<br />
<br />
It takes about a week, but eventually I condense all the ideas.<br />
<br />
Here's the part I think people using the Ubergroup's beta method may find particularly helpful. I bold each general major conceptual issue so I can easily skim through in search of a topic, and then paste together everyone's ideas. For ease of reading, I don't copy parts where people are saying things like "Yes, I agree!" just the sentences containing actual suggestions.<br />
<br />
In practice, it looks something like this:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>Edmund/John conversation about death and John scolding him for holding onto the dead: </b>"Does John secretly blame Edmund for their mother's death? Does Edmund resent John parental attitude all the more because he just lost his mother as well as his father?” (Laura R) "I think it would be pretty nifty if there's a scene somewhere in the first half where Edmund attempts to talk about their parents with John, just to kind of vent and grieve together and John's totally cold and "We must let go of the dead". " (Dahlia) "It could even be another moment where Edmund don't feel he can be good enough." (Raven) "I never connected the religious 'don't mention the names of the dead' with why their parents were never mentioned. So this talk would show there's a reason why they aren't discussing their dead parents, not just that they aren't thinking about it/don't care." (Catherine)</blockquote>
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<br />
<b>3.) Think about what I agree/disagree with.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
With all the suggestions together, it's easy for me to consider all the opinions on one topic without fear of overlooking someone, look to see if there's any majorities, and decide whether or not I agree. That's important:this is not "writing by committee." I value all 5, 10, or 20 voices, but I'm the director and tiebreaker. So, I decide, and then implement the conceptual changes.<br />
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<b>4.) Reread all the crits again.</b><br />
<br />
After I've made all the conceptual changes, I do re-read all the crits again at the very end, looking for line edits. Skimming for highlighted typos, word choice issues, etc.<br />
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Hopefully that's helpful to some of you. It's one way of keeping track of an epic-scope project, at least.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-17589692006939237252014-12-14T12:36:00.000-06:002014-12-14T12:36:44.735-06:00A Quick and Dirty Guide to Feudal NobilityOnce again, I had the honour of writing a guest article for Dan Kobodt's <a href="http://dankoboldt.com/science-in-scifi/" target="_blank">Fact in Fantasy, Science in Scifi</a> series. I present to you:<div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">A Quick And Dirty Guide To Feudal Nobility</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><u><b><br /></b></u></span></div>
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Nothing drives me crazier than authors—or patrons at Renaissance Faires—addressing everyone and everything as “mi’loooooooord.” Firstly, no one outside of possibly a few British comedians in the 1970s has ever pronounced the word “my” that way. Secondly, not everyone is a lord; that notion defies the most basic grasp of economics. Thirdly, there are different kinds of lords, especially in different periods—the system was constantly evolving. Finally, there are specific ways to address each type depending on who you are.</div>
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Detailing every type of feudal lord that ever existed is a Herculean task already undertaken by numerous (very dry) textbooks, so today I’m going to break down the underlying reasoning behind the system. As fantasy authors, you do not need to cleave to any existing real world system, as long as yours is created with a reasonable, self-consistent logic. For this mini lesson, I’m going to focus primarily on the English system from the Norman Conquest to the War of the Roses.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Rule 1: Not Everyone Was A Lord</b></span></div>
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Let’s start with the fundaments of feudalism. As I said in <a href="http://bewarethejabb.blogspot.com/2014/11/a-short-history-of-warfare.html" target="_blank">my last lesson</a>, the basic premise was that “those who could take something, did.” The Norman Conquest was exactly what it sounded like: William, Duke of Normandy, trumped up a claim to England, then sailed over from France and took it. That wasn’t the first time, either; William wasn’t French. “Norman,” or “North-man,” was the French word for the Vikings who sailed down from Scandinavia and took half of France, thus starting a long tradition of the English <a href="http://youtu.be/uEx5G-GOS1k" target="_blank">taking whatever the hell they wanted</a>.</div>
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The economics functioned as follows: if you were spending all your time practising with your sword to get better at taking things, you weren’t able to grow your own food. You had to convince the farmers to give you a share of their crops, in the original form of income tax: <i>tithe</i>. How to accomplish that? Show up at their houses with all your sword-toting buddies and take it. By now, you’re hopefully starting to picture the king and all his peers a lot less like this: </div>
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And a lot more like this:</div>
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Enter the concept of the landlord. Yes, this is from whence modern word originates. Technically, all the land belongs to the king. He permits the farmers to live there and work it for him in exchange for tithe. Since he can’t manage it all directly, he leases big chunks of it to his favourite armed thug buddies, known as “creating” them the Earl, Duke, etc, of a given area. They then receive tithe for their portion, and owe him military service in exchange for the hookup. A lord was functionally the local cartel boss. The Don, the Jefe, however you like it. By nature, there aren’t very many of them.</div>
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As of 1307, there was still only one type of lord below the king: an Earl, from Old Norse Jarl. And there were only eleven of them. England may not look very big on a map, but next time you visit, try walking from London to York with only the clothes on your back and as much food as you can carry. To the average person of the era, it was a serious undertaking to get beyond the borders of the Earldom in which you were born. They knew they had a Lord, theoretically, receiving all their taxes, and a king somewhere, but nothing about either of them.</div>
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Modern Americans: unless you live in the capitol and work in a relevant business… have you ever actually met the President? Or even the governor of your home state? Do you even know your governor’s name without googling it? There are literally five times as many American governors now as there were British earls in the 13th century, and you don’t walk around seriously expecting to bump into one on the street.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Rule 2: The System Keeps Changing</b></span></div>
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The fun part about things made up at the whim of a single guy is that the rules keep changing. During the reign of William I, there were exactly three types of nobility: King, Earl, and Baron. The first British duke was created in 1337, when Edward II made the Black Prince Duke of Cornwall. A duke was below the king but above an earl.</div>
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In 1385 Richard II created Robert de Vere (already the 9th Earl Oxford) the 1st Marquis of Dublin. “Marquis” is a reference to the “marches,” or borders, as he was defending a border territory. The next marquis, created 1397, refused to use the title because he felt a made-up honour carried no weight. It went unused until Henry VI revived it in 1442. No further titles came into use until the Renaissance. As of 1611, the British hierarchy went:</div>
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<ul>
<li>King</li>
<li>Duke</li>
<li>Marquis</li>
<li>Earl</li>
<li>Viscount</li>
<li>Baron</li>
<li>Baronet</li>
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To make things infinitely more complicated, the rest of Europe followed their own rules. For the most part the terms and hierarchy were comparable, and variations are pretty obvious in the term used: a Grand Duke, for instance, would be above a regular Duke. Making a word diminutive, such as Count/Viscount or Baron/Baronet implies the new position was just below the one from which it is derived. Count, btw, is the continental word for Earl, and Earl’s wives were still called Countess (probably because Earless sounds like something that happened to Van Gogh.)</div>
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It’s important to realize that kings were not the only type of sovereign (ruler with no one above them) nor were they necessarily the king of a particularly large area. There were—and still are—some sovereign duchies, in which the Duke is the top of the line. Pre-conquest England was divided up into dozens of small kingdoms, such as Mercia, East Anglia, and Wessex, which were eventually consolidated by the usual means of one of the kings beating up his neighbour and taking the land. (This is true throughout most of world history. The Illiad speaks of a “coalition of Greek Kings” of which Agamemnon was High King. Ramses the Great self-described as “King of Kings” as did many Persian “Shahenshah”s.)</div>
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Prince was not always a word for king’s son, either: in its broadest sense, “prince” is a generic term for a top-level ruler. One might refer to a collection of “foreign princes” as being a general mishmash of approximately ruling-class men who might have a reasonable claim to a sovereign rule of a country, including Dukes, Emirs, Shahs, and what have you. For an exhaustive list of examples to create your fantasy hierarchy from, see <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Royal_and_noble_ranks" target="_blank">Wikepedia’s entry on royal and noble ranks.</a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Rule 3: Specific Forms of Address</b></span></div>
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A king or queen is addressed as “his/her/your Majesty,” a prince or princess as “his/her/your Highness,” and a Duke/Duchess as “his/her/your Grace.” Everything below that is “his/her/your Lordship/Ladyship.” “His/your Excellency” came much later, and was used for a chancellor or prime minister. You can invent more, but make sure they differ from ones that already exist. It’s also extremely common to refer to someone by the name of the land they own, which is NOT the same as their family name. Sir denotes knighthood.</div>
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It is a job qualification, and as such, goes with a man’s first name. Being a knight means you get to be called Sir, just as having your PhD means you get to be called Dr. Lord denotes ownership of property. It goes with the land, not a man’s name, because you are saying he owns the land, not his own name. Most Lords happen to also be knights, but that’s sort of like saying “Most of the largest properties in the world are owned by people who have graduate degrees.” It’s an interesting fact, but the degree does NOT bring the land with it. You can have “Sir so-and-so, who doesn’t own anything in particular,” just as completing your phD does not automatically give you a gargantuan estate.</div>
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Master is a last-resort polite form of address if someone is landless and not a knight, likely a younger son of petty gentry, or a tradesman. In general, use the most flattering/important title available, unless the character is purposely being familiar or rude. I’ll use examples from my own fictional world:</div>
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Teagan Chambrer, Knight Commander General, youngest (non-inheriting) son of the Thegn of Duck’s Crossing, could be addressed as:</div>
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<li>Sir Teagan</li>
<li>General Teagan</li>
<li>Master Chambrer (but this would be insulting, as it ignores the fact that he is an officer)</li>
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But NOT:</div>
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<li>Lord Anything (he’s not.)</li>
<li>Sir Chambrer (he, Teagan, personally, is the knight, not his entire family.)</li>
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William Huntley, 1st Earl Greenford, knight of the realm, could be addressed as:</div>
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<li>Lord Greenford</li>
<li>Greenford (with no preamble)</li>
<li>Sir William (but a bit familiar/pretentious to use his personal name, as it implies that his person is more relevant to you than his status as an Earl. Might be used by friend or a woman flirting with him.)</li>
<li>Master Huntley (but again, insulting.)</li>
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But NOT:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Sir Huntley (he, William, personally, is the knight, not his entire family)</li>
<li>Sir Greenford (his property is not a knight.)</li>
<li>Lord Huntly (owner of his family?)</li>
<li>Lord William (owner of himself?)</li>
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Robert Caenid, 2nd Earl Nor’watch, knight of the realm, and Lord Treasurer, could be addressed as:</div>
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<li>Lord Nor’watch</li>
<li>My Lord Treasurer</li>
<li>Sir Robert (again, personal)</li>
<li>Master Caenid (again, insulting)</li>
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But NOT</div>
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<li>Lord Robert (owner of himself?)</li>
<li>Master Robert (master of himself?)</li>
<li>Sir Treasurer (the office of treasurer is a knight?)</li>
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Stephen fitz Wheelwright (note, “fitz” means “son of” and wheelwright is a profession, such as baker, miller, smith, thatcher, fletcher, cooper, etc. This is a literal statement that his father is the town wheelwright, not a family name.) Captain of the guard, not a knight, could be addressed as:</div>
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<li>Captain Stephen</li>
<li>the wheelwright’s boy (insulting now that he is an officer. Would have been his form of address formerly.)</li>
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But NOT:</div>
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<li>Sir Stephen (he is not.)</li>
<li>Master Wheelwright (that’s his father.)</li>
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Use of a first name in isolation of any title or pet name is extremely personal. No one, regardless of comparable rank, addresses someone by a pet name uninvited, unless they are purposely being rude or overly familiar. It sets the tone of the situation – if my boss were to say, “Morning, Jerry!” I might reply, “Morning, Ben!” but if he were to open with “Good morning, Mr. Quinn,” I sure as hell better retreat behind, “Good morning, Mr. Stirling” unless I want to get in trouble.</div>
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Generally, all women married to a knight or better can be referred to as “my Lady,” although you would only attach a name if you would do so for her husband. A lady retains her title after being widowed as a courtesy, even if she remarries a man of lesser station. If there is a new woman who can claim the same title, the word “dowager” will be attached to specify. </div>
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Eliza Caenid, widow of the former Earl Nor’watch, mother of Robert, the current Earl Nor’watch, could be addressed as:</div>
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<li>My Lady Countess</li>
<li>the Dowager Countess Nor’watch</li>
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But NOT:</div>
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<li>Lady Nor’watch (that’s her daughter-in-law.)</li>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Conclusion</span></b></div>
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The biggest thing to remember when designing your own system is <i>it’s all about the land</i>. You only get as many lords as you get mob bosses; when too many try to exist in a given area, turf wars occur. Since the land is so important, the form of address almost always makes reference to it, and you certainly wouldn’t treat someone like he ran the place if he didn’t. (Just picture what would happen if the Godfather overheard you calling some other shmuck “boss” instead).</div>
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This is only the briefest of overviews, of course, but hopefully it gives you some keywords to plug into Google. If you really want to get into it, some very thorough (and mind you, antique) resources include: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1294726854" target="_blank">A Genealogical History of the Dormant, Abeyant, Forfeited, and Extinct Peerages of the British Empire</a> by Sir Bernard Burke,<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0806311215/" target="_blank"> A Directory of British Peerges</a> by Francis Leeson, and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B009W9536G" target="_blank">The genealogy of the existing British peerage, with sketches of the family histories of the nobility</a> by Edmund Lodge.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-11454603061562376952014-11-12T10:05:00.000-06:002014-11-12T10:07:30.813-06:00A Short History of WarfareI had the pleasure of writing a <a href="http://dankoboldt.com/short-history-western-warfare/" target="_blank">guest post</a> for <a href="http://dankoboldt.com/" target="_blank">Dan Koboldt</a>'s <a href="http://dankoboldt.com/science-in-scifi/" target="_blank">Science in Sci-fi, Fact in Fantasy</a> series today. Enjoy :)<br />
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Fantasy authors often buck the idea that technology in their world should progress the same way real history did. Technological advances in warfare, however, are a lot like biological evolution: the result of trying and failing a whole lot of times before something actually works. Tiny fencing swords were not used against knights in plate armour because, plain and simple, they wouldn’t have worked. If you don’t believe me, take the most delicate fish knife in your kitchen and attempt to hack open a corrugated-steel loading-dock door.</div>
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Sure, a tiny fencing sword could have been made by the same level of forging technology as a heavy broadsword, and yes, some early ones did exist. They weren’t widely useful, however—outside of duelling with another unarmed layman—so they weren’t made in quantity for the battlefield. Why waste the time and money making a tool that doesn’t work? Nature and economics both refuse to support illogical solutions. Not until the proliferation of efficient firearms made heavy armour obsolete (By the same force of necessity: why weigh yourself down with something that won’t actually protect you anymore?) was it realistic to try to poke your opponent with something fast and light.</div>
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Over the next few months, I’ll be trying to help fantasy authors understand the underlying logic of why certain things came after others in actual history. Yes, fantasy by definition means you can do whatever you want, but if “whatever you want” happens to include the physics, chemistry, and biology of Earth–-if your fantasy world has 9.8 m/s/s gravity, a 24-hour diurnal cycle, four temperate seasons, liquid water, mercury that’s poisonous, gold that’s valuable, and a whole bunch of recognisable four-limbed megafauna like horses, cows, and sheep—you need to understand the basic relationship between the limitations of that world and what the bipedal primates running around on it can do with it.</div>
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Since a large portion of fantasy takes place in an analogue of the western world sometime in the last 2000 years, today we’ll begin with an overview of that, starting with:</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><u>Organisation and deep pockets</u></span></div>
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The very early Roman Republic—from about the 7th-4th century BCE—followed the example of a Greek phalanx: primarily infantry, long spears, interlocking shields. In the 3rd century BCE, they really started getting organised: mobile, disciplined, and constantly rotating to allow fresh troops into battle. Weapons and armour were quite light. The main advantage was manoeuvrability, good funding, and discipline that came with soldiering as a full-time profession. The Roman army built roads to get where they were going easily. They managed food and supplies carefully. From the 1st century BCE onwards, Roman armies even brought along doctors and staged field hospitals.</div>
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<a href="http://youtu.be/jdaaQiNUSmc" target="_blank">If we stay together, we survive.</a></div>
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<b>The keywords of Roman-era infantry combat:</b> light, fast, organised, aggressive. They took what everyone already knew how to do and did it bigger, faster, harder.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><u>Smarter politics and copying your neighbours</u></span></div>
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Rome had always assimilated conquered ‘barbarian’ peoples into its army, but as the empire over-expanded, over-spent, and grew corrupt, administrative and support structure declined. The fiction that the chaotic, unrelated tribal mercenaries were paid Roman allies continued into the 5th century, but in reality, the organisation that had made Rome was long gone.</div>
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After the collapse of Rome, Byzantium continued to use fundamentally Roman structure, but were clever enough to improve upon it. Rather than allowing citizens to avoid military service — which required hiring mercenaries of questionable quality and loyalty — they implemented universal conscription. The Byzantines were also quick to adapt clever innovations by their enemies—notably, the concept of heavy cavalry in the form of cataphracts of the Eurasian steppe.</div>
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<b>The keywords of Byzantine-era combat</b>: politically savvy, opportunistic, adaptable. They took Roman organisation and added the humility and pragmatism to incorporate whatever they saw that worked.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><u>The Stirrup Controversy</u></span></div>
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There’s a theory that feudalism in Europe was a result of the introduction of the stirrup. Stirrups enabled “shock tactics”—ie, a fighter with a way to brace himself on his horse could hang on well enough to mow the enemy down. This tactic was so superior, Carolingian France in the 8th and 9th century structured itself around infeudination: rewarding its best mounted warriors with land. Those lords would then turn around and subinfeudinate –- think “sublease,” except the property is paid for with military service — lesser knights with smaller parcels of their land. (This is why, by the way, we still call the people we rent our apartments from “landlords” today.)</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiu9DxMGx_TWQvsXKu6kg_XfoGFOB8EFUwW9DdCOUGlBvb1QVtuTozi3dnQ4_L8o39QU8gT9t20HHikT75RC77gP6zYiO7COVFtGfRMPerF8WVuNcMY-T1Vj4xXO9vJbI1VX9irAEznQUK/s1600/stirrup-controversy-10th-century.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiu9DxMGx_TWQvsXKu6kg_XfoGFOB8EFUwW9DdCOUGlBvb1QVtuTozi3dnQ4_L8o39QU8gT9t20HHikT75RC77gP6zYiO7COVFtGfRMPerF8WVuNcMY-T1Vj4xXO9vJbI1VX9irAEznQUK/s320/stirrup-controversy-10th-century.jpg" width="230" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">10th century Norman Stirrup</span></div>
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Although the causality is debated, it is undeniable that heavy cavalry and feudalism rose to prominence at the same time. Modern gangs are still structured similarly: a charismatic and physically dominant leader both charms and kills his way into power, personally appointing those he favours (who must have similar but not greater personal charisma and physical dominance) as his lieutenants, and so on down from there.</div>
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<b>The keywords of medieval-era combat:</b> heavy, aggressive, direct. Fundamentally, medieval society functioned on the premise that those who could take something, did.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><u>Gunpowder and democracy</u></span></div>
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The earliest known gun appeared in Europe in the 14th century, and artillery became indispensable by the 15th. Fortification designs rapidly began advancing to keep pace, and the importance of nobility in warfare eroded as heavy cavalry lost its advantage. Longbows and pikes, used intelligently, could be very effective against armoured knights, but both required a lifetime of training that made it difficult to amass large forces. As technology improved, “hand cannons” became prominent among infantry. The flintlock musket of the 17th century could kill an armoured man at 100 yards and did not require great physical strength to use. They weren’t particularly accurate, but in enough quantity, they didn’t need to be. By the end of the 17th century, mobility was preferable over the nominal remaining protection of armour, and thus the armour disappeared.</div>
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It’s been said that “The musket made the infantryman and the infantryman made the democrat.” The fact that anyone could use a musket made the common man relevant in combat, swelled the size of armies, bred nationalism (drawing men from across the country together to serve in organised corps) and made it feasible for a peasant revolt to have military effects.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2GbldWJokfDXk3ZYpHR0quD6ljDPkeF-y3CbkfjCBsUHk5kIxnPZCfmn9_RYJY2oHam2KSkxy07QibDYSCBsneUYRr3Przx86YpuvVjdOvXhyphenhyphen-3UTkxSdlxDG0j6nQs4rXsBEUz_apk3g/s1600/manual-of-musketeer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2GbldWJokfDXk3ZYpHR0quD6ljDPkeF-y3CbkfjCBsUHk5kIxnPZCfmn9_RYJY2oHam2KSkxy07QibDYSCBsneUYRr3Przx86YpuvVjdOvXhyphenhyphen-3UTkxSdlxDG0j6nQs4rXsBEUz_apk3g/s320/manual-of-musketeer.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">17th Century musketeer manual (England)</span></div>
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<b>The keywords of gunpowder warfare: </b>easy-to-use, widely available, equalising. The American 2nd amendment–written in the 18th century, within 100 years of muskets rising to prominence–is grounded in the idea that the muskets widely owned by common men are of adequate technological consequence to overthrow a monarchist government.</div>
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This is only a rough overview, of course, and does not even touch on naval warfare. Hopefully, though, it’s given you at least a few starting keywords to plug into google. If you’d really like to roll up your sleeves and dig in, some classic textbooks on the subject include <a href="http://smile.amazon.com/Cambridge-History-Warfare-Geoffrey-Parker/dp/0521618959/" target="_blank">The Cambridge History of Warfare</a> by Geoffrey Parker, <a href="http://smile.amazon.com/World-History-Warfare-Christon-Archer/dp/0803219415/" target="_blank">The World History of Warfare</a> by Christion Archer, and <a href="http://smile.amazon.com/History-Warfare-John-Keegan/dp/0679730826/" target="_blank">A History of Warfare</a> by John Keegan.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-68247599522786220132014-09-12T03:58:00.000-05:002014-12-14T12:50:13.234-06:00Personalised querying and rape cultureA question about my queries came up in the Ubergroup:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>I've been wanting to get some input on querying agents and how you personalize your queries. I hear of people researching for hours before they even query, yet my sort of personalization requires only about 20 minutes.</b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>I have to admit that the idea of personalizing my query makes me a bit queasy. It feels so much like sucking up. I mean, I'm all for doing my homework, etc, but I dunno - it feels icky. Then I heard of your success is getting personalized rejections....</b></blockquote>
</blockquote>
<br />
My philosophies for querying come from this: http://bewarethejabb.blogspot.com/2013/12/how-to-write-to-women-on-okcupid.html<br />
<br />
I have very high success rates at Okcupid (not just "getting dates," but using it for social networking. I've gathered platonic groups with common interests without sounding like some creeper with ulterior motives.) It's something I learned to do in person working at Renaissance Faires.<br />
<br />
Fundamentally, in that job, I'm 'that big loud crazy actor, approaching you suddenly and starting a conversation.' People, accustomed to screens and recorded media, are wigged out by live actors who can hear and see them, too. "How to approach people in a friendly way without triggering an automatic 'NO' and subsequent avoidance as if you have leprosy" is my most important theatrical skill.<br />
<br />
I also spent years as a nightclub bartender. I've watched THOUSANDS of men try and fail to pick up women... and thousands of others succeed. There's a distinct pattern to what works and what doesn't. And I've protected many women from said creepers in nightclubs and on buses because I know how to give off a "non-creeper" vibe.<br />
<br />
Remember: agents are people... frequently young and attractive women who are jaded to being approached. My philosophy to approaching anyone is "Smile, be polite and non-creepy, and promptly explain what you want in such a way that does not come off as spam." "DEAR ANONYMNOUS AGENT READ MY MANUSCRIPT PLZ." is about as appealing as door-to-door salesmen, Jehovah's witnesses, and bums with sob stories asking for change.<br />
<br />
Ladies (assuming heteronormativity here, because that's where defences are traditionally highest): if a guy walked up to you in a bar and was like "HAY BEBE CAN I BUY U A DRINK," without even looking at your face, after you watched him do it to every other woman in the room, would it work?<br />
<br />
By contrast, if you saw the same guy around in the coffeeshop you usually write in, also working and minding his own business, and he generally came off as cute and non-assuming, and like the fourth or fifth time he was standing in line at the counter behind you he smiles and strikes up an intelligent conversation about the book you're holding... you'd be at least likely to answer his question in a friendly way instead of being like UM NO GET AWAY, right?<br />
<br />
Yeah. That. That's why adding agents and other authors on twitter and blogs and being active but not annoying is like hanging out in the same coffeeshop to honestly do your own work and not be annoying or creepy. I tweet a combination of funny links and writing-related ones, talk about the ubergroup a lot, and absolutely NEVER spam "BUY MY BOOK PLZ PLZ PLZ" (like most new-author twitter accounts do.) I write blog posts on writing theory always take the time to answer people's questions about history or writing stuff to the best of my ability.<br />
<br />
I want agents, publishers, other authors and potential new readers to have seen me around legitimately doing my own thing and find me to be a decent fellow, With querying, like the "how to write/talk to women" thing, I try to actually start a real conversation instead of being like "no shit, every dude on the planet wants to fuck you, so I'm TOTALLY ORGINAL HERE. I give exactly zero damns about your personality BUT PLZ LETS FUK PLZ PLZ PLZ PLZ OMG PLZZZZZZZZ."<br />
<br />
So yeah. I pretty much rewrite my query every single time. I look at my template as a "rehearsal." When I speak to someone in person I'll bring up the same topics I've practiced (if it's someone I wanted to take out, it would probably be the fact that I want to take her out. In the query it's that I'd like her to read my book) and I might mention the same selling points (funny stories that I know most people like/my pitch and comp titles) but I'm not literally just copy-pasting my template. Can you imagine walking up to a girl, unrolling some notes, and robotically reading aloud "HI UR PRETTY WILL U PLEAZE GO ON A DATE WITH ME?"<br />
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No. Personal. From scratch. Every time.<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>You are clearly using twitter/online presence to create a rapport with agents/publishers before sending off your work - thereby setting up the: I'm sitting in the same coffee shop and recognize the book you're reading. But, in terms of personalization - what if the agent I am interested in doesn't have that personal twitter account (the agency company does) or those interviews from which I can glean information?</b></blockquote>
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<b>Granted, that's just the case for a couple of agencies I'm interested in. Thankfully the publisher I prefer does have an online presence. But in the above situation, how would you personalize?</b></blockquote>
</blockquote>
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It's a much longer shot. You're effectively walking up to a beautiful stranger on the street and praying like hell this turns out like it does in movies.<br />
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I've had one or two of those and I've sent the best cold-call I can come up with. It's the equivalent of walking up, standing a very careful and non-threatening several feet away and saying, "I apologise for interrupting, but I just had to say: you are stunning. Would you possibly be interested in a cup of coffee?" and on the very very likely chance she says no, smiling and saying "No worries. Have a lovely day," and backing the fuck off before I come off as threatening or stalkery.<br />
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I mean, hell could freeze over she could say yes, it happens. Best you can do is be confident but inoffensive and very prepared to handle rejection politely.<br />
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<b>So basically I need to suck it up and use my twitter account.</b></blockquote>
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Cold-calling DOES work if you're willing to do enough of it.<br />
<br />
One of my good female friends (a cocktail waitress at aforementioned nightclub) is constantly letting asshole dudes get away with unbelievable shit. For example, a guy she wasn't interested in kept badgering her every day for six months until she finally said yes and started sleeping with him "to get him to leave her alone." She was uninterested and harried the whole time they half-assedly dated, but would let him badger her into going places and doing things after work and on her off days. It ended when he finally got a long enough prison sentence that she got badgered into dating someone else in the meanwhile. I can't believe she caves to these guys instead of, you know, filing a restraining order. I keep telling her that she is the part of the problem: men like them think they can get away with that shit because some women eventually give in, and the positive reinforcement makes them keep using the tactic.<br />
<br />
Yeah. Anyway. What I think of guys like him notwithstanding, extreme persistence with cold calls does eventually work. That's why you see all that stuff on the internet about "just suck it up and get used to rejection, a yes will come through eventually!" To me that reads kind of like creepy rape culture, but it is true. Rape culture does work.<br />
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You don't have to suck it up and use twitter if that strikes you as so false you're going to look false doing it--just like chicks can see if you're kind of stalkerishly ALWAYS SHOWING UP AT THE SAME COFFEE SHOP AS THEM HA WHAT A COINCIDENCE. Or fake-trying-to-be-friends when it's really obvious you want to sleep with them.<br />
<br />
I'm just saying, be social in a genuine way for your own sake. I always think men who are several years or more out of college and can't get dates just need hobbies. I don't mean "fake show up to the club meeting with a sleazy grin on your face and try to get a number" I mean ACTUALLY get involved in stuff for it's own sake and gradually, naturally meet people. Because I think people are way more open to conversations with people they've seen around <i>who have been genuine and non-creepy the whole time.</i><br />
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The guy who badgered my friend would never have gotten away with the coffeeshop tactic. He doesn't read. If he hung out in coffeeshops fake holding a book and staring at women the insincerity would be obvious. So he uses what is available, that is, cold calling. If you hate it enough you'd sound annoying an insincere on twitter, don't trouble yourself. It's worse to have a lurking ulterior motive in the room. Just cold call.<br />
<br />
Me? I'm typing this from a coffeeshop.<br />
<br />
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</script>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-80316223093141128942014-08-22T11:01:00.003-05:002014-08-22T11:22:25.011-05:00underlying ShakespeareEver watch a production of Shakespeare and go "...what?"<br />
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A lot of performers just recite it like it's pretty words instead of looking for the underlying meaning of what the hell the characters are saying. An actor friend not actively performing at renaissance faires and I decided to do a scene for the 10:30 Shakespeare Slam at <a href="http://www.renfair.com/bristol/" target="_blank">Bristol</a> this weekend, so using a techniques from <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Shakespeare-Toast-Getting-Taste-Bard/dp/1848310544" target="_blank">Shakespeare On Toast</a> (how to read the theatrical notes and subtext in Shakespeare like it's a manual for actors, which it actually is, not "literature,") and practised in a live workshop with the author, actor and linguist <a href="https://twitter.com/bencrystal" target="_blank">Ben Crystal</a>, we took apart Act 2, Scene 2, of Macbeth last night. Then, rather than getting all hung up on the grandiloquent lines, we ran the whole scene (full speed, moving around in real space with daggers and stage blood) ad-libbed from main general plot point to main general plot point, so the focus would remain on underlying character and emotion.<br />
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This is what we came up with.<br />
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<b>Macbeth, Act 2, Scene 2</b><br />
As rehearsed for underlying meaning and flow, in modern colloquial vernacular:<br />
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Lady M: Whoo! Allright. I got my liquid courage on. HOLYSHITWHTWAS - Okay. That was an owl, doofus. Macbeth is doin' his thing, everyone is blackout drunk, I even roofied them.... Okay, if I'm honest, I'm kind of terrified they're going to wake up before he does it. Murder ITSELF is not the problem -unsuccessful murder where you get caught is a problem. Oh, wtf ever, it's all set up, hell, I could have done it.<br />
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Macbeth: *sneaks up behind, all adrenaline, whisperers in her ear.* I've killed them.<br />
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Lady M: *jumps out of her fucking skin*<br />
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Macbeth: Did you hear anything?<br />
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Lady M: Just... normal night noises. YOU'RE talking.<br />
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Macb: When?<br />
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Lady: Now.<br />
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Macb: As I came in?<br />
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Lady: Yes.<br />
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Macb: *startles* Wait, who's in the other room?<br />
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Lady: Donalbaine.<br />
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Macb: Shit. *suddenly realises he is covered in blood and he's gotten it all over her* Oh, this does NOT look good.<br />
<br />
Lady: Don't freak yourself out.<br />
<br />
Macb: *totally freaked out anyway* No, seriously, you don't understand. One of them laughed and the other said "Murder!" and they woke each other up while I was standing RIGHT OUTSIDE. ... Though they did go back to sleep.<br />
<br />
Lady: Well, they're in the same room.<br />
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Macb: That's not it - one of them was like "God protect us," and the guy was like "Amen" - as if they had SEEN ME lurking out there like a crazy murderous fuck. And the freakiest part - *i* couldn't say "Amen" with him.<br />
<br />
Lady: .... you are thinking abotu this way too hard.<br />
<br />
Macb: But WHY couldn't I say "Amen"? If anyone needed a fucking blessing right then it was my sorry ass, but the "Amen" wouldn't come out.<br />
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Lady: We need to not go down this road right now or we are BOTH going to freak the fuck out.<br />
<br />
Macb: I swear to fucking god I heard a voice curse me, like: You are never gonna sleep again. Sleep is for innocent people. Haha. Sleep. Ell oh fucking ell. You remember sleep? Yeah. Sleep was awesome. When you're tired you get un tired, when you're drunk you get sober, when you're sick you get well... hahahaha I liked eating sleep more than eating food -<br />
<br />
Lady: ... what... the fuck... are you talking about.<br />
<br />
Macb: THEY CURSED ME. They were like: you know what you're really killing? Your ability to sleep. Your family's ability to sleep. Your COUNTRY'S ability to sleep. I... am never going to sleep again.<br />
<br />
Lady: Shhh, shh shh shh, baby, shhh. WHO said this? You are just freaking YOURSELF out with all of this bs. Listen. *singsong* We're gonna get some water, we're gonna was this shit off, these daggers - why are you even holding those daggers, baby? They need to go back in the room, okay? We need to frame the guards. Now listen baby, you need to GO BACK IN THE ROOM, put the daggers down...<br />
<br />
Macb: HOLY FUCK NO I am not going back in there. I don't even wanna THINK about what I did, you are NOT making me go back in there.<br />
<br />
Lady: *backing up slowly* .... okaaaaay crazy man. Give me the daggers now... yes, thank you, that's it.... it's only children that fear this storybook shit. So now <i>I</i> am going to go back in there and <i>I</i> am going to frame them and you are gonna STAY RIGHT HERE, kay?<br />
<br />
*exits slowly*<br />
<br />
Macb: *jumps* WTF was that? Jesus what the hell is wrong with me that everything freaks my shit out? *Looks at bloody hands again* Holy shit, is this me? I am gonna go blind if I keep looking at this. Jesus fuck, is there enough water in the world to wash this blood off me? I'll probably just turn all of it red.<br />
<br />
Lady: *enters, dripping* Now I'm as bloody as you are. Hilarious, given that I'm innocent - (knock) What the - Hokay. I hear a knock at the side door. Let's go back to our room, a little water will solve all of this, it will be fine. You're a little worked up right now. (knock) *drags at his arm* Okay srsly we need to at least get into pjs and ACT like we've been sleeping - if someone sees us fully dressed like this it is superfucking obvious. Come on, baby, get it together, it will be fine.<br />
<br />
Macb: ...you don't understand what an awful thing I've done. You wouldn't want to love me if you really understood what I've done. (knock) *at no one* Wake him up from the dead with your fucking knocking.... god, I wish you could.<br />
<br />
I'll go into some of the exact techniques we used to reach this point later, but for now, here's the original for comparison if you are curious.<br />
<br />
LADY MACB.<br />
(10) That which hath made them drunk hath made me bold;<br />
(11) What hath quench’d them hath given me fire. Hark! Peace!<br />
(11) It was the owl that shriek’d, the fatal bellman,<br />
(11) Which gives the stern’st good-night. He is about it:<br />
(11) The doors are open; and the surfeited grooms<br />
(12) Do mock their charge with snores. I have drugg’d their possets,<br />
(11) That death and nature do contend about them,<br />
(6) Whether they live or die.<br />
(10) Alack, I am afraid they have awak’d,<br />
(10) And ’tis not done; th’ attempt, and not the deed,<br />
(11) Confounds us. Hark! I laid their daggers ready,<br />
(11) He could not miss ’em. Had he not resembled<br />
(9) My father as he slept, I had done’t.<br />
Enter Macbeth.<br />
MACB.<br />
(11) I have done the deed. Didst thou not hear a noise?<br />
LADY MACB.<br />
(10) I heard the owl scream and the crickets cry.<br />
(4) Did not you speak?<br />
MACB.<br />
(1)<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>When?<br />
LADY MACB.<br />
(1)<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Now.<br />
MACB.<br />
(1)<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>As I descended?<br />
LADY MACB.<br />
(1)Ay.<br />
MACB.<br />
(8) Hark! Who lies i’ th’ second chamber?<br />
LADY MACB.<br />
(3)Donalbain.<br />
MACB.<br />
(5) This is a sorry sight.<br />
Looking on his hands.<br />
LADY MACB.<br />
(10) A foolish thought, to say a sorry sight.<br />
MACB.<br />
(11) There’s one did laugh in ’s sleep, and one cried, “Murder!”<br />
(12) That they did wake each other. I stood and heard them;<br />
(10) But they did say their prayers, and address’d them<br />
(4) Again to sleep.<br />
LADY MACB.<br />
(7) There are two lodg’d together.<br />
MACB.<br />
(11) One cried, “God bless us!” and “Amen!” the other,<br />
(10) As they had seen me with these hangman’s hands.<br />
(10) List’ning their fear, I could not say “Amen,”<br />
(7) When they did say “God bless us!” (pause 3)<br />
LADY MACB.<br />
(awkward pause 2)(8) Consider it not so deeply.<br />
MACB.<br />
(10) But wherefore could not I pronounce “Amen”?<br />
(10) I had most need of blessing, and “Amen”<br />
(4) Stuck in my throat.<br />
LADY MACB.<br />
(6) These deeds must not be thought<br />
(10) After these ways; so, it will make us mad.<br />
MACB.<br />
(10) Methought I heard a voice cry, “Sleep no more!<br />
(11) Macbeth does murder sleep”—the innocent sleep,<br />
(10) Sleep that knits up the ravell’d sleave of care,<br />
(10) The death of each day’s life, sore labor’s bath,<br />
(10) Balm of hurt minds, great nature’s second course,<br />
(7) Chief nourisher in life’s feast.<br />
LADY MACB.<br />
(4) What do you mean?<br />
MACB.<br />
(10)Still it cried, “Sleep no more!” to all the house;<br />
(11) “Glamis hath murder’d sleep, and therefore Cawdor<br />
(10) Shall sleep no more—Macbeth shall sleep no more.”<br />
LADY MACB.<br />
(10)Who was it that thus cried? Why, worthy thane,<br />
(10)You do unbend your noble strength, to think<br />
(11)So brain-sickly of things. Go get some water,<br />
(10)And wash this filthy witness from your hand.<br />
(10)Why did you bring these daggers from the place?<br />
(10)They must lie there. Go carry them, and smear<br />
(6)The sleepy grooms with blood.<br />
MACB.<br />
(4)I’ll go no more.<br />
(10)I am afraid to think what I have done;<br />
(7)Look on’t again I dare not.<br />
LADY MACB.<br />
(5)Infirm of purpose!<br />
(11) Give me the daggers. The sleeping and the dead<br />
(11)Are but as pictures; ’tis the eye of childhood<br />
(11)That fears a painted devil. If he do bleed,<br />
(10)I’ll gild the faces of the grooms withal,<br />
(6) For it must seem their guilt.<br />
Exit.<br />
Knock within.<br />
MACB.<br />
(5) Whence is that knocking?<br />
(11) How is’t with me, when every noise appalls me?<br />
(10)What hands are here? Hah! They pluck out mine eyes.<br />
(10)Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood<br />
(11)Clean from my hand? No; this my hand will rather<br />
(11) The multitudinous seas incarnadine,<br />
(6) Making the green one red.<br />
Enter Lady Macbeth.<br />
LADY MACB.<br />
(10)My hands are of your colour; but I shame<br />
(6)To wear a heart so white. Knock.(5)I hear a knocking<br />
(12)At the south entry. Retire we to our chamber.<br />
(10)A little water clears us of this deed;<br />
(10)How easy is it then! Your constancy<br />
(7)Hath left you unattended.Knock.(4)Hark, more knocking.<br />
(11)Get on your night-gown, lest occasion call us<br />
(10)And show us to be watchers. Be not lost<br />
(6)So poorly in your thoughts.<br />
MACB.<br />
(10)To know my deed, ’twere best not know myself.<br />
Knock.<br />
(11) Wake Duncan with thy knocking! I would thou couldst!<br />
Exeunt.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-21559125579540117552014-07-30T11:17:00.001-05:002014-12-28T05:33:41.383-06:00Synopsise early, synopsise often<div class="tr_bq">
The dreaded synopsis. Many people put off writing it for as long as possible because they don't know how. The internet is full of the standard rules: one to two pages, double spaced TNR twelve with a 1" margin, capitalise the first appearance of a character's name, tell the ending, state all the plot twists, tell it plainly and not trumped up, mention no more than five characters. But there is a very difficult piece of advice to incorporate with the rest: make it INTERESTING. Make it not a dry recitation of "and this happens, then this happens." How? Didn't you just tell me to plainly tell, not show, all the facts and plot twists without sensationalist language?</div>
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An Ubergrouper came to me lost on this subject, and here is my answer:<br />
<br />
The most useful advice I've ever recieved was to write out your main character(s) emotional arc. This comports very well with <a href="http://bewarethejabb.blogspot.com/2013/12/what-i-am-looking-for-in-critique.html" target="_blank">Egri's advice about how all plots start with character</a>. That's what makes it feel like showing even though technically, it is telling. (Using the definitions in the <a href="http://www.scribophile.com/academy/the-show-versus-tell-debate" target="_blank">Scribophile Academy's "Show vs. Tell" article</a>.) You'll often see advice around the internet of "don't make it a dry recitation of 'and then this happens, and then this, and then this,'" and I'm sure you're wondering how the heck you do that while still technically telling.<br />
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Make it about someone's emotional journey. A short example: "John goes to see Anne. Anne refuses him. John leaves." was version one. "Desperate, John flees to Anne. Anne refuses him. John is devastated" was version two. Same length. More emotional arc.<br />
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Now, I'll show you both earlier versions of my synopsis and the most current one to highlight the difference in full form. Ready for a REALLY BAD first attempt? This is the epitome of "and then this happened... and then this happened... bla bla bla." It's also way too long. I COMPLETELY expect you to skim this. Don't injure yourself trying to really read it.<br />
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As a conquering horde approaches from the south, JOHNNY DARCY, prince of Umbrae, inherits the crown while locked in a dungeon. His second cousin AERON AE’LLEWYN, just as suddenly King of Rhae’llor, acknowledges his sovereignty, ending forty years of civil war over the Umbraen secession. With their fathers and brothers dead and their kingdoms in flames, the teenage monarchs forge an uneasy alliance against the ALEXANDER the Conqueror. Johnny must fill the role of the Hero that will save his people, or die trying.</blockquote>
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A parhelion is taken as an omen of Johnny’s chosen status, terrifying the conqueror’s troops and forcing him to withdraw south. Johnny is hailed as a hero, though he knows Alexander will be back. Johnny discovers his friend WILL HUNTLY has protected his younger siblings EMALINE DARCY and EDMUND DARCY, and rewards Will with an earldom.</blockquote>
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He cements the Rhae’llorean alliance by marrying Aeron’s sister, BRIGAED AE’LLEWYN. Johnny doesn’t force her when he discovers she is too young and scared to consummate, and she falls in love with her perfectly chivalrous hero.</blockquote>
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Violence erupts along racial lines when Arcian tradesman COLIN SNOW loses his family to cholera, and druids forcefully remove their bodies. The Umbraen druids believe in cremation, but the Arcian natives bury their dead. Grandmaster Healer THYMAEN WHITE argues that they can stop the spread of the disease by purging the bodies, and the emotionally wrecked Colin joins the Druidic Order, vowing to discover the cure.</blockquote>
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The morning after the wedding, letters arrive for the Northern kings: Alexander has been attacked, and is begging for help. Aeron talks Johnny into going, because having their forces in the South will be a good opportunity to remove the Bastard once and for all.</blockquote>
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On the road south, Edmund is embarrassingly lecherous towards CAITLIN D’ARMINE, heiress to the state of Armine. After an ugly conflict between the Darcy brothers, Arcian knight TEAGAN CHAMBERS suggests Edmund just needs to prove to Johnny he can be useful.</blockquote>
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In Yvenn, Johnny is seduced by the much older Duchess ANNE D’AQUES. Comically, the only woman who seems to fancy Edmund is Anne’s nine-year-old daughter, MARGARET. Teagan reveals that love is not so courtly for poor Arcians: he has been married, briefly, but his late wife committed suicide from despair about extreme poverty.</blockquote>
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Now a druid in Umbrae City, Colin puts forth a theory that cholera is spread by drinking water contaminated by overflowing cesspits.</blockquote>
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In Yber, Johnny and Aeron forge an alliance with ISMAEL DE YBER and INEZ DE YVENN, against their common enemy of the Bastard. The alliance lasts six hours, before Edmund is caught sneaking into Ismael’s harem. Ismael demands his head – but one cannot simply behead a foreign prince. Ironically, Inez speaks up in defence, unaware that Johnny has been trysting with his own wife, Anne. Johnny agrees to flog Edmund publicly, satisfying Ismael’s pride, but the Southern Alliance is ruined, and Johnny and Aeron must go back to the drawing board.</blockquote>
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Passing through Yvenn on the way home, Johnny discovers Anne has borne him a bastard son, HAL. Johnny begs her to leave Inez and marry him instead. She refuses, reminding him of the political allegiances that would destroy. She extracts a vow that he will not throw practicality away for a stupid dream of love, and that he will be the good king that history might yet remember him to be.</blockquote>
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Johnny returns home to a cholera outbreak decimating his population, and Colin’s theory is finally validated. Noting that cities in the South have clean drinking water due to sewer systems, Johnny commissions one in Umbrae. He also asks Emaline to finally make her choice of husbands between PAXTER D’ANDRE and REYNOLT D’ASTUR, neighbouring rulers who would make good allies against Alexander.</blockquote>
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Johnny brings the now-fifteen-year-old Brigaed home to live as his queen. He is disappointed by her naivety, but keeping his word to Anne, he tries to respect and love her, encouraging her to be her own woman and an influential political entity.</blockquote>
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The morning after, Johnny gets news that GUY D’ALSAE has rebelled, on the grounds of Alsaecean racial independence. Guy is joined by several neighbouring earls who resent being taxed for the construction of sewers. Johnny puts down the rebellion and claims Alsae for the crown, but in the name of Good spares the town and Guy’s underage son, HENRI D’ALSAE.</blockquote>
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Emaline confesses that she cannot make either political match, because she is pregnant with Will’s child. Frustrated but wanting her to be happy where he wasn’t allowed to be, Johnny gives the love match his blessing.</blockquote>
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Brigaed schemes to save the alliances by seating D’Andre and D’Astur next to the eligible daughters of his vassals at Emaline’s wedding. MATLIDA, heiress to the Earldom of Vosges, formerly betrothed to and still in love with the disgraced Henri D’Alsae, is very rude to Reynolt D’Astur. ELEANOR, heiress to the Earldom of Highcombe, still jealously wishes she had married Johnny, and feeds Paxter D’Andre vicious lies. The wedding ends in political disaster, with both neighbouring rulers storming out.</blockquote>
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Johnny blames Brigaed for the mess. After a spectacular fight, he leaves to pick up the pieces, telling her not to ruin anything else. He makes no traction in Andre or Astur, and ends up in Aques, spilling his heart out to Anne. While Johnny is away, Edmund rudely refuses a match between himself and Caitlin D’Armine, wrongly accusing her of having slept with Johnny. Anne uses Aquesi military power to escort Johnny safely home through now-hostile Armini territory, and at home he puts Edmund in charge of the foundering sewer project instead of the kingdom.</blockquote>
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When he tries to start afresh with Brigaed, he is crushed to discover that through reckless riding she caused herself to miscarry. His emotional withdrawal crushes her confidence.</blockquote>
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In love with an Earl’s daughter he cannot afford to court, Teagan redoubles his displays of hard work and loyalty, in hopes Johnny will reward him. A mere Arcian can do well if he gives his all to the crown. He is promoted to Knight Commander General, but rejected by his family for being a traitorous bootlicker to the Umbraen institution.</blockquote>
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That summer, Henri D’Alsae comes of age and elopes with Matilda, killing her father and using the power of Vosges to reclaim Alsae. Lacking adequate troops, Edmund hatches a sly plan to set D’Alsae’s camp on fire in the night. Johnny rejects the idea when his other Earls object loudly, but Edmund sneaks off before the battle and does it anyway. Despite winning, the Earls are angry about Edmund’s lack of chivalry. Johnny takes Edmund aside ostensibly to scold, but instead thanks him, and they make a pact in which Johnny will play the Hero while Edmund gets things done.</blockquote>
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Edmund goes full steam ahead with the sewer project, raising taxes. When merchants begin to camp outside the walls, he contracts Asturian brigands to raid their tents, driving them back into the city under Good King Johnny’s protection... and taxation.</blockquote>
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After disappointing Johnny again with her general inability to be like Anne, Brigaed stifles her opinions. Johnny hopes a child will save their relationship, which she takes to mean her only value is as brood mare. She secretly begins self-harming, tearing at her own skin and hair. Johnny refuses to grant Teagan land in principle, feeling love and marriage are a farce and Teagan should be glad not to be involved in the whole messy business. In the south, Anne and Hal are very ill with consumption, which she sees as punishment for her relationship with Johnny.</blockquote>
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Desperate for attention, Brigaed tells Johnny her inability to conceive is probably his fault. During the resulting fight and angry sex, she goads him into hitting her. Afterwards he locks himself in his suite, retching and weeping.</blockquote>
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Visiting, Aeron discovers the marks on his sister and threatens to unmake Johnny’s kingship the same way he made it. Aeron leaves in a fury, and Johnny, lost, alone, and hating himself, flees to Aques.</blockquote>
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Perceiving he is not yet consumptive, Anne refuses him entrance, hoping his famed good works of ending rebellions and curing cholera will be enough to offset the crime of loving her. Unaware that Hal has died two days prior, Johnny begs leave to visit his son and is again refused. Anne whispers her goodbyes as she watches his column ride away.</blockquote>
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Paxter D’Andre, now married to Eleanor, uses her bridal territory as a base to annex parts of Umbrae. Her father the Earl disowns her, and Johnny successfully reclaims the lost territory and captures D’Andre. While ostensibly begging for clemency, Eleanor hatching a scheme to secure his D’Andre’s sister DAPHNE D’ANDRE as a hostage by putting her in danger so Johnny can “rescue” her.</blockquote>
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Johnny is devastated by the un-heroicness of the whole thing – like parhelions winning battles for him, everything he is acclaimed for is an illusion, and all of his legitimate attempts to be good have blown up in his face. He realizes that romantic notions of good and evil and happily ever after is a farce, and gives up on the idea of being good. He sleeps with Eleanor while her husband D’Andre hails him as a hero, savouring the irony.</blockquote>
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Brigaed loses another pregnancy. Johnny remarks about the uselessness of a wife who cannot bear a child. Receiving further bad news in a letter, he sequesters himself in his council chambers. An over-eager courtier interprets his remark as a wish and sends an assassin after Brigaed. Edmund intercepts the assassin and kills him, but is stabbed. Teagan forces his way into the council chamber with the emergency news, and Johnny asks what could possibly be important when Anne of Aques is dead.</blockquote>
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The following spring, Henri D’Alsae surfaces and rebels again. Johnny goes to put it down, ignoring Edmund’s pleas to take the threat seriously. Before the battle, Johnny relents and names the still-faithful Teagan Earl of Alsae. Edmund’s misgivings prove correct, and Henri D’Alsae is aided by D’Armine and D’Astur. The battle is disastrous and both Johnny and Teagan are killed. </blockquote>
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A wilfully delusional Brigaed, finally pregnant again and praying this one will make Johnny love her, runs out into the bailey as the army returns. She searches for Johnny... but there is only Edmund. </blockquote>
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Did your eyes to glaze over trying to read that? Way too many characters. Way too little emotion. Way too dull. Now for version 2! Should be a little less headache-inducing.<br />
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When nineteen-year-old JOHN DARCY survives a conquest and inherits a shattered kingdom, his people are desperate for a hero. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, but the heroic ballads he was weaned on say honour and chivalry conquer all. He rallies his scattered troops and allies himself with neighbouring Rhae’llor by marrying thirteen-year-old princess BRIGAED. She’s too scared to consummate, and he’s too chivalrous to force her. She falls madly for him. </blockquote>
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By contrast, his younger brother EDMUND is a nasty little shit, and John must constantly police Edmund’s lechery. Then John himself is seduced by the much older duchess ANNE D’AQUES, and humiliated by the irony when he is obliged to punish Edmund for being caught in adultery. John tries desperately to make his situation honourable, begging Anne to marry him. Unconsummated, his existing marriage is not binding. He offers to name their bastard son, HENRY, his heir. She reminds him while a little fun is harmless, marrying her would start a war with Brigaed’s family. She pleads for him to go home focus on being a good king. </blockquote>
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John tries to live up to Anne’s standard of ‘good.’ He brings Brigaed, now fifteen, home to be his queen. Determined to do right by her, he gives her the freedom and political sway he imagines Anne would have wanted. When plague decimates his population, he chooses ethics over expense, commissioning sewers. Not comprehending the necessity and resentful of the raised taxes, his vassals rebel. He puts down the rebellion, but when he chivalrously spares those who surrender, they turn around and rebel again. Edmund settles it by burning the rebels to death in their sleep. It’s brutal, un-chivalrous butchery... but it ends the war, saving countless lives. Suddenly, good and evil become much harder for John to identify. </blockquote>
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John publicly reprimands his brother, but privately, they make a pact to work together. They push forth with the sewers, raising taxes again. When merchants begin to camp outside the walls, John has Edmund stage a “brigand” raid so he can “save” them, shepherding them back into the city’s protection - and taxation. Killing his own citizens in a parody of heroism makes John’s skin crawl... but the sewers end the outbreak of plague, and isn’t that what really matters? </blockquote>
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Brigaed’s clumsy attempts at politics backfire, turning John’s neighbours against him. She also proves unable to carry a child to term. In the absence of an heir, ambitious earls begin eyeing his throne. Frustrated and longing for Anne and Henry, John shunts Brigaed aside. She needles him about his bastards, and when he denies having any, blames their lack of children on his apparent lack of virility. She suggests she should sleep with Edmund, who is better at getting things done. Emasculated and furious, John hits her. Sick with disgust at his actions and no longer sure what he stands for, he flees to Aques. </blockquote>
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Anne is near death with consumption, which she sees as punishment for their relationship. She refuses him entrance. John begs to see Henry, and discovers he has died two days earlier. John leaves, deciding that ‘good’ and ‘evil’ are a farce, and gives up on the idea of being a hero. He goes into a tailspin of reckless wars and bedding other men’s wives, trying to see how much he can get away with while still being called the Good King. He remarks on Brigaed’s worthlessness, which a courtier interprets as a command, attempting to kill her. Edmund intercepts the assassin and is stabbed in the process. When a messenger reaches John, he asks what could possibly be important, when Anne D’Aques is dead. </blockquote>
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Jaded and empty, John engages in an unwinnable battle, and is overwhelmed. He dies laughing at the joke on himself.</blockquote>
<br />
Now here's the best part of this process - writing the synopsis forced me to fix my actual plot.<br />
First of all, in the long drifty first version, where I shoe-horned in all the subplots, I even fixed one of those. I realised I couldn't summarise Teagan's arc well... because I hadn't written it well. His scenes did not support a clear arc. In forcing myself to find a way to explain it in a few sentences, I realised I had to re-order his scenes so they better supported clear character development. That's a major advantage of synopsis writing well before you actually pitch - it makes you fix your actual book.<br />
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Secondly, between the first and second versions, I implemented all the advice about what an agent actually wants to see without clawing their eyes out. Made it concise, pared down, about just the main character. Made it about how he reacts to and feels about things. Made it about how he grows and changes. (Genre fiction might have different rules, but I arguably write "literary" in that it's character-driven and meant to make statements about the human condition, rather than a rollicking adventure plot, even though it's technically historical fantasy.) I'm sure you can see how that altered the versions.<br />
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I shared this and got some great feedback from another Ubergrouper:<br />
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Anne seems to drift in and out, but she seems to act as a strong motivator for John. She seems to be a loving guiding hand, and then she seems to be suddenly regretting her relationship with John. Is it your intention to make her the impossible dream he tries to reach for? Why would she suddenly feel she was being punished?</blockquote>
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Good freaking question! So, using the same method I had of telling the story from John's emotional perspective, I wrote one from Anne's, to define her character arc:<br />
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Anne is an Eleanor of Aquitaine analogue. She is 30 and married with three children when she meets John. She is the Duchess of Aques in her own right and the Emirah of Valenthia by marriage. She is an icon of female empowerment in a patriarchal feudal society. She and her husband have an understanding that, exactly as a man in her era and political position would do, she may take lovers on the side so long as she does not flaunt it or disrupt the primary domestic and political arrangement. That is the context in which she beings sleeping with John. It is a reverse power play - he is eleven years younger than her and it amuses her keep him like a pet, as a duke or king might keep a mistress. </blockquote>
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Unfortunately, finding his nigh-Quixotic idealism endearing, she falls for him as a person. It destroys her when he can't even be an indifferent douchebag about Henry, their bastard son, like spoiled little princes are supposed to be. No, he just has to go and offer to set the world on fire to preserve her honour and protect the interests of their son. She is no longer respecting her agreement with her husband - this is not casual or in good fun any more. Heavily conflicted, she rejects John, telling him to go home to Brigaed and be good. </blockquote>
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When things begin to fall apart for him and with Brigaed in particular, he runs to her. Anne's in far deeper than she ever wanted to be - he's treating her like some kind of erotic idol upon which to displace his unhappiness at home. She knows she needs to cut and run, but she can't bear to see how lost he is. Against her better judgement but in line with her heart, she gives him solace (he spends the winter at her court, teaching their son to walk) and bails him out of the political mess Brigaed has gotten him into. She sends him home in the spring at the earliest excuse. </blockquote>
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When both she and Henry contract consumption (because of an extended visit to the consumptive household of a neighbouring Duke for the purpose of mitigating John's political troubles) in the typical mindset of the era, she sees it as punishment for her sins, a confirmation that Henry was born of a love that should never have been. To protect her other children from the disease, she retreats from her husband's estates to her own, and there Henry dies. </blockquote>
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When things fall apart beyond repair with Brigaed, John flees to Anne again, unaware of how close to death she is. She refuses him entrance, tries to convince herself he is being selfish, just looking to sleep with her for a distraction, but as he begs through the door to see her it comes out that because of his failure to be good to Brigaed, he desperately wants to redeem himself by being good to someone. He has heard Henry was ailing, and brought him a toy boat, hoping it would cheer him. John himself loved toy boats at that age...</blockquote>
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She tells him Henry has died two days before, and bids him goodbye.</blockquote>
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Several weeks later, she dies, and John gives up on everything.</blockquote>
Robin also picked on Brigaed:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Brigaed seems to be a piece of work, going from innocent, and in love, to bitter and twisted, from constantly being ignored and shunted aside. You could really work with that, as she seems quite instrumental in John's disenchantment, and loss of idealism. Almost the physical embodiment of his struggles.</blockquote>
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I'm sure you can see where this is going. Synopsis format is making it very easy to verify character development and consistent pacing in my storytelling. Does the point get proven by the end? Are the proof-points evenly distributed? Does everyone have a real character based reason for acting as they do? Is it written in true Egri fashion (which I believe is also the definition of good character-driven literary fiction) wherin the plot is the inevitable, hurtling-along-unstoppably result of who these people fundamentally are? Does it only happen because there's absolutely no other way it could have gone?<br />
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So here's Brigaed's:<br />
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Brigaed is a Disney Princess archetype - pretty, headstrong, and naive. She comes from a Viking-style culture that practices selective female infanticide as a means of population control to keep within the bounds of resource scarcity. As a result, women permitted to survive to reproductive age in her culture are excessively sheltered and revered, a kind of sacred fertility doll. Polyandry in the form of multiple brothers sharing a wife is also commonly practised.<br />
Her head is full of big dreams and romantic myths from the old epics, as well as a culturally-instilled sense of entitlement. John actually shares her upbringing on these romantic myths, as his kingdom is a colonial derivative of hers - Vikings who spilled out into the rest of the world because of the lack of women and arable land back home, settled in Normandy and intermarried with the French. They have repeated clashes over the fact that they technically speak the same language and worship the same gods, but the day-to-day manner of living and thinking of their respective cultures have grown wildly apart, causing a terrible mismatch in expectations about each other's behaviour. </blockquote>
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Trying to do good by her, John gives her unlimited power, because it's what Anne would have wanted. Accustomed to being granted things, Brigaed assumes this is her right, but in reality women of her culture are kept far separate from practical politics, and she has no idea what she's doing. In a misguided attempt to help him, she makes several political matches, effectively giving nearly a third of his kingdom away to his enemies. </blockquote>
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<br />
Unable to see the scope of the damage she's caused and unaccustomed to being able to do any wrong, she is offended that he presumes to be upset with her. When he leaves the city in frustration, she tries to follow him, and he forbids her. Rebellious, she attempts to jump a fence and escape, falling from her horse and causing herself to miscarry their unborn child.<br />
Upon finding out about the foolishness-induced miscarriage, he is not angry, but heartbroken. His disappointment and loss of trust confirms her own insecurities, and she mentally collapses in upon herself. Though he makes a few more diminishing attempts to have a relationship with her, she has no realistic chance of ever catching up to the pedestal upon which Anne stands. She can see that he is forcing himself to go through the motions to hide the emptiness within the form. </blockquote>
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Knowing his heart is elsewhere and desperate for any attention at all, she needles him about their lack of children, blaming his lack of virility and suggesting she sleep with Edmund instead. She deliberately goads him into angry sex, those being the only two reactions she knows how to elicit with any intensity. The scene gets uglier than either of them intended, causing mutual trauma. </blockquote>
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She retreats into a public parody of happiness, too terrified of what might happen if she engages him with sincerity. She prays that one of these pregnancies will last, as she feels childbearing has become her only value to him, and therefore, their only chance at happiness. When someone tries to murder her for being "useless" after a second miscarriage, Edmund is the only one who notices or cares, and is in fact injured while protecting her. </blockquote>
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Brigaed is tiptoeing on eggshells, lying to herself that John loves her and that her third pregnancy will be the one that works out, when he is killed in the unwinnable battle. The army returns, and she runs out into the bailey, searching for John... but there is only Edmund.</blockquote>
Finally and most importantly, I did Edmund. His goes on a bit further chronologically, as there was a planned second book about him after John's death:<br />
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Edmund is an insecure little boy growing up in his brother John’s shadow. He’s never cool enough to hang with the big boys, he’s told to hide his “evil” left-handedness, and he’s a complete failure with women. The first girl he tries to charm not only fails to notice him, she turns out to be Brigaed, the bride John was on his way to meet. </blockquote>
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When John shacks up with the iconic Duchess Anne despite all the noise he makes about honour, Edmund is humiliated to discover the only female who appears to fancy him is Anne’s eight year old daughter, Margaret. He decides to one up his brother by sneaking into the neighbouring Emir’s harem, seeking a married woman of equal political standing to Anne. He is caught, and the Emir demands his head. </blockquote>
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To regain custody, John is forced to flog Edmund for his attempted adultery – a crime that, ironically, only John has ever actually committed. Calling his brother out, however, will only hurt them more politically, so Edmund takes the punishment in silence. Afterwards, face down in the healer’s tent, for the first time in his life Edmund find himself being praised for his valour and solidarity. </blockquote>
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He steps into a new role – one of allegiance with his brother. The more useful he can make himself, the more John approves of him. When a rebellion flares up that John hasn’t the troops to put down, Edmund solves the problem by setting the enemy camp on fire, slaughtering the rebels in their sleep. John’s vassals are outraged by the barbaric lack of chivalry, so Edmund lets John maintain his ‘Good King’ image by pretending to reprimand him. Secretly, they make a pact to work together. </blockquote>
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When raised taxes drive merchants outside the city walls, Edmund hires brigands and stages a raid from which John can save them. When John leaves to pick up the pieces after Brigaed’s mistakes shatter the kingdom, he names Edmund his regent. Edmund sees in Brigaed shadows of his former self – young, naive, bumbling, cursed with never being good enough to merit John’s approval. </blockquote>
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Brigaed sarcastically propositions Edmund as a way to make John jealous. When John ignores her after she loses their second child, secluding himself in his council chambers, Edmund is worried about her, but is afraid to give any impression of interest. Indecisively lurking in the shadows of her suite, he is there to kill the assassin meant for her, getting stabbed in the shoulder in the process. </blockquote>
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Edmund discovers he is the only one who cares about anything anymore, now that Anne is dead. When the rebellion flares up again, Edmund begs John to be practical about bringing reinforcements to put it down. John scorns the idea and the resulting disaster kills him and half of the army. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Edmund finds himself king – a lonely, heirless, and despised king, after years of playing bad cop to John, at the head of a shattered kingdom. Trapped by political enemies, he tries a reckless bluff. Shockingly, it works. Abruptly, he comprehends the joke on all kings, the one about “graves and worms and epitaphs” (1) at which John died laughing. Politics and history are an illusion, a game, a farce written by the victors – nothing is simply, starkly Good or Evil, and history only remembers what the historians are commissioned to tell. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
With the ghost of John laughing in his ears, Edmund attacks the game, eager to do things the way he told John they should have been done. He marries Margaret, now sixteen, and utilises the allegiance with her father to brutally crush the rebellion. He executes every captive including the underage heir, whom John would have pardoned. Bugger public image – this one’s not going to come back to bite him in the ass. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
He gluts himself on the superficial trappings of power. Margaret, terrified of her famous butcher husband, lavishes feasts, hunts, additional women, and every hedonistic fantasy she can create upon him, in hopes that keeping him drunk and satisfied will prevent him from killing her.<br />
Disguised, he sneaks into the city for a bit of sport and is caught up in a riot spawned of the same long-simmering religious tensions behind the many rebellions. He realises he caused it to boil over from lack of attention. Edmund is humiliated by his own irresponsibility. Not worrying about what people think of him doesn’t mean he shouldn’t do what he believes to be right. He lifts the ban on the oppressed folk religion, indifferent to the fury of the established church.<br />
His previous actions continue to come back to him. One of his Earls, genuinely believing him to be evil, attempts to murder him to save the country from his despotism. The Earl’s confederate in the scheme, however, is a practitioner of the folk religion, and backs on out on his agreement to stab Edmund in the back. Edmund wins the fight, killing the Earl. There are many witnesses, and public opinion of is further muddied. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Rather than keep her as a concubine, he sets Brigaed up as the abbess of a convent, surrounded by those who care about her, where her body and spirit may finally heal. He tries, stutteringly, to do the thing he fears most – to be honest to Margaret, to trust her and love her, to allow her to have power over him and to think of someone else before himself. He sends away his concubines in favour of being faithful to her. He doesn’t tell her, because it’s not about bragging. It’s about doing what he believes is right no matter who can see. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Margaret’s elder sister, current Duchess D’Aques, dies, and everyone makes a grab for the duchy. According to Anne’s wishes that Aques stay in the female line, it should go to Margaret. Edmund masses his forces on the Aquesi border, reaches an agreement with Margaret’s father, and returns home, triumphant, just in time to discover her in bed with another man. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
He is shattered. He finds himself where John once was, sequestered in his council chambers and alone in the world. Margaret comes to him on her knees, sobbing – she wasn’t aware that he had suddenly changed the rules. Still too injured and habitually impacted to communicate, the only thing manages to say out loud is that he wonders is who the children’s real father is.<br />
He awakens the next afternoon with a murderous hangover to discover Margaret has taken the children and fled for Aques... in the middle of a succession war, refusing any military escort, because all available troops are Edmund’s and she believes she is no longer queen. Terrified for her safety, Edmund forms a column and chases after her, catching up with her several hours south of the city. His toddler son demands to know if the man in the armour on the horse is Da. Margaret declines to answer, as Edmund did not believe her last night. He removes his helm, answering yes, it is Da, and the overjoyed toddler charges into the middle of all the agitated war horses. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Edmund leaps down and snatches him to protect him from being trampled. A shaken Margaret is left without a doubt that Edmund really considers the boy his son. She asks if he has come to collect her, his property, and he says no, he has come to ask her, his wife, if she will please come home. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
This is completely against the mindset of his era and culture, who believe kings ‘are not born to sue, but to command,’ and many disparage him as weak and lovesick. Edmund doesn’t care, and whether or not anyone will remember it in the histories, he and Margaret proceed to live quietly, ingloriously, and happily ever after.</blockquote>
<br />
1 –<br />
“Let's talk of graves, of worms, and epitaphs;<br />
Make dust our paper, and with rainy eyes<br />
Write sorrow on the bosom of the earth;<br />
Let's choose executors, and talk of wills:<br />
And yet not so — for what can we bequeath<br />
Save our deposed bodies to the ground?<br />
Our lands, our lives, and all, are Bolingbroke's,<br />
And nothing can we call our own but death;<br />
And that small model of the barren earth<br />
Which serves as paste and cover to our bones.<br />
For God's sake, let us sit upon the ground,<br />
And tell sad stories of the death of kings:<br />
How some have been depos'd, some slain in war,<br />
Some haunted by the ghosts they have depos'd;<br />
Some poison'd by their wives, some sleeping kill'd;<br />
All murder'd — for within the hollow crown<br />
That rounds the mortal temples of a king,<br />
Keeps Death his court: and there the antic sits,<br />
Scoffing his state, and grinning at his pomp;<br />
Allowing him a breath, a little scene<br />
To monarchize, be fear'd, and kill with looks;<br />
Infusing him with self and vain conceit —<br />
As if this flesh, which walls about our life,<br />
Were brass impregnable — and, humour'd thus,<br />
Comes at the last, and with a little pin<br />
Bores through his castle wall, and — farewell king!”<br />
- Shakespeare, Richard II<br />
<br />
<br />
...guess what I found out, after five years of worldbuilding and one year of seriously writing drafts of what I was attempting to make as a dramatic arc centred around John?<br />
<br />
EDMUND IS THE MAIN CHARACTER.<br />
<br />
So, this forced me to REWRITE THE ENTIRE BOOK YET AGAIN. I combined what was originally going to be Book 1: Good (John's story) with Book 2: Evil (Edmund's story) and overhauled the living crap out of it. Here is the FINAL final synopsis - combining both books and detailing how I have been obliged to rewrite completely based on synopsis-writing discovery.<br />
<br />
<blockquote>
EDMUND D’ARCY is an insecure little boy growing up in his brother, King JOHN’s shadow. He’s never cool enough to hang with the big boys, and he’s told to hide his ‘evil’ left-handedness. When John begins an affair with the iconic Duchess ANNE D’AQUES, Edmund is humiliated to discover the only female who fancies him is Anne’s eight year old daughter, MARGARET. He tries to one up his brother by sneaking into the neighbouring Emir’s harem, but is caught. To maintain appearances, John flogs Edmund for adultery, a crime of which only John is guilty. Edmund keeps his secret and endures the brutal punishment without complaint, winning John’s praise for the first time in his life. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Humiliated by the irony, John tries to make his situation honourable, begging Anne to marry him. He even offers to name their bastard son his heir. Anne, unwilling to start wars with their existing spouses, reminds him his child-bride, BRIGAED, is now old enough to be a wife. She pleads for him to be a good king. John tries, giving Brigaed the freedom he imagines Anne would want. Brigaed’s clumsy attempt at politics backfires and destroy an alliance, making him resent her for not being Anne. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
He puts down a religious rebellion, but when he spares those who surrender, they revolt again. Edmund solves the problem by setting the enemy camp on fire. It’s against all chivalry, but it ends the war. Concerned with appearing benevolent, John pardons the survivors. Secretly, Edmund begins to do all his dirty work, allowing John to pose as a hero. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Unwanted and bitter, Brigaed suggests her inability to conceive is John’s shortcoming and propositions Edmund, who gets things done. John hits her. Disgusted at his actions and no longer sure what he stands for, John flees to Aques, only to find his son dead and Anne close behind from consumption, which she sees as punishment for their relationship. Devastated, John leaves, giving up on the idea of being a hero. When the rebellion flares up yet again, a jaded and empty John rushes into battle, and dies laughing at the joke on his life has become. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Edmund finds himself a despised king at the head of a shattered kingdom. He comprehends the joke on all kings: nothing is simply Good or Evil, and history only remembers what the historians are commissioned to tell. Edmund decides to learn from his brother’s mistakes and lifts the ban on the oppressed folk religion, indifferent to the fury of the established church. He marries Margaret, now sixteen, and brutally crushes the recurring rebellion, finally executing the heir whom John would have pardoned. Bugger public image; this one’s not going to come back. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
He even tries to do the thing he fears most—to trust Margaret and share the crown’s power. But she is terrified of his reputation and flees. To show her he is not the bloodthirsty tyrant stories claim, he declines to retrieve her by force, instead begging her to return as his love. Though history will remember him as snivelling, weak, and evil, Edmund doesn't care, and he and Margaret proceed to live quietly and happily ever after.</blockquote>
Synopsis writing. It's scary. It's hard. It CHANGES EVERYTHING.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-9810518605558871482014-06-05T12:29:00.002-05:002014-06-05T12:33:35.847-05:00Making the jump from short story to novel<div class="tr_bq">
Many ubergroupers I know and love are afraid they will never finish their novel. Earlier today, @Eliseliu confessed:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I definitely write more than half an hour a day! - but not on the novel. Huge writer's block right now in terms of plot. I've always been a 'pantser' and so the practice of writing into the unknown of an entire book (as opposed to a short story) confounds me.</blockquote>
<br /></div>
I think this is a feeling many writers share, and so I wanted to repeat here what I found myself telling her:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<br />FWIW - I pantsed, in the biggest sense of the word, the universe of my novel for 4 years. I'm a long-form improv actor, so I developed the shit out of every character and aspect of the world as if it were environmental theatre, and THEN I picked a plot I wanted to focus on out of it last summer.</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The problem I see here is a misplaced expectation that everything you write when pantsing will go into the final product, and discouragement when that's not the case.<br />With clothing, cloth is woven in a big square before you cut out the shapes that make the final piece, and there are scraps left over. With cooking, you make the sauce in a pan before some of it goes on the plate. (Baking is easier to visualise - you make a big sheet cake and then cut out the circles you stack for the cake, or you roll out the dough and the cut out shapes with a cookie cutter.) There are also scraps. With construction, someone fells the tree and rips the lumber down to manageable pieces before you cut off the bits you need to go into the house.</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
There are ALWAYS scraps and THAT IS OKAY.</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I think people who feel like you do, Elise, can't bear to see that scrap bit of wood/cookiedough/fabric get thrown away, because dammit, you MADE that. You made ALL the dough / wove all the fabric, etc. But you don't get haute couture by lumping ALL THE FABRIC ON THE BOLT together on the model and throwing a tantrum when someone says "that looks like a cross between a toga and a potato sack, you might have to use less there." If you re-use the bits of dough by kneading them together again, you'll overwork the gluten and it will be hard as a rock. And lets not even get into how much a house won't stand or a boat won't float if you refuse to cut the lumber to size.</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Pants your happy little ass off with your novel idea, going into it with the recognition that you are just creating a stock of raw materials. Then plot - as in, draw a blue print/calculate a recipie/design a pattern for your house/cookies/dress. Then use what you need, which may not be all the wood in the truck / flour in the bin / buttons in the box.</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
You can always save the rest for another project. </blockquote>
<br />
I've never believed "pantsing vs plotting" to be a binary thing. Both have their uses, and they work particularly well together.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-2621941619545904392014-03-30T02:03:00.005-05:002014-03-30T02:05:47.164-05:00When is it done?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWfxfCjpaKZgdEwIiuJS6GyblUzc5_YlWEE1f0_jhFII745pRtDMoVYisC5zAFFzEDrJ0EA4ka-fmtXcFM2gFLHrcWYryJ8aYlXR8LbFNsjjE8nZJdK10CIhIgl2MyQVkacSJyect53aRc/s1600/pablo-casals-cellist.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWfxfCjpaKZgdEwIiuJS6GyblUzc5_YlWEE1f0_jhFII745pRtDMoVYisC5zAFFzEDrJ0EA4ka-fmtXcFM2gFLHrcWYryJ8aYlXR8LbFNsjjE8nZJdK10CIhIgl2MyQVkacSJyect53aRc/s1600/pablo-casals-cellist.jpg" height="150" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Image Text: The legendary cellist Pablo Casals was asked why he continued to practice at age 90. "Because I think I'm making progress," he replied.</span><br />
<br />
People like to speculate about when one will be "done" with an art project.<br />
<br />
Most of these people will happily agree that art is life, so when are you 'done' living? Breathing? Growing? Aging? Changing? You can be 'far along enough' in a performing art to start being in shows, you can be 'as ready as you'll ever be' for an audition, in sports you can be 'good enough' to start competing. That doesn't mean you're "done." No one asks if a musician's first concert or an athlete's first game is the final product, as good as they'll ever get, if they're "done," now. So why ask that of writers?<br />
<br />
You're not even done when you published. Two of my favourite authors edited their books no less than <i>thirty years </i> after they were first published. Sharon Kay Penman's breakout novel, "The Sunne in Splendour," was a NYT bestseller in 1983. Realising she had written a character in a velvet dress before velvet was invented (after reading a new study on medieval textiles) she edited the book for it's new print run in 2013.<br />
<br />
My other favourite author, the inimitable Robert Heinlein, had the uncut version of "Stranger In A Strange Land" released thirty years after the original was not only a bestseller, but <i>changed society. </i>It's one of the most banned books in the world, it's on the Library of Congress' "<a href="http://www.loc.gov/bookfest/books-that-shaped-america/" target="_blank">Books That Shaped America</a>," it made <a href="http://www.shmoop.com/stranger-strange-land/trivia.html" target="_blank">waterbeds ineligible for patent</a> because it had described them so thoroughly first, it entered the word "grok" into our vocabulary, it founded a goddamn actual real world religion, the Church of All Worlds, and generally shook everything up so much it was cited in "We Didn't Start The Fire."<br />
<br />
But it could stand to be improved thirty years later, so it was. Because it wasn't finished, even though Heinlein was dead.<br />
<br />
So back to the grindstone, artists and writers. It's not done just because it's on it's third draft or been critiqued thoroughly. It's not done because you got an agent. It's not done when you publish. It's not done thirty years after you publish and become a NYT bestseller. It's not even done when you're dead.<br />
<br />
Can you improve it? Then do so.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-20648291827563056772014-02-15T00:10:00.003-06:002014-02-15T00:10:32.482-06:00Thaaaaat's racist!Listing one:<br />
<br />
<br />
"Single Family Home" : http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/apa/4332563224.html<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgt4BxkRAPVnqQd6drxKz1nzPVj_sxrI3rSgAurqrHQjg_upZtMvwaZ7X_3mBlcE-ciDU5bk-ve8rP189FS_blq-hh32SDvaqXgskMzVzsPcPIO6y-wDgQCMwqSV_pZKA2sJWoi2GSiP9E/s1600/racist+house+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgt4BxkRAPVnqQd6drxKz1nzPVj_sxrI3rSgAurqrHQjg_upZtMvwaZ7X_3mBlcE-ciDU5bk-ve8rP189FS_blq-hh32SDvaqXgskMzVzsPcPIO6y-wDgQCMwqSV_pZKA2sJWoi2GSiP9E/s1600/racist+house+1.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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<br />
<br />
Beautiful Single Family Home has 2, two bedrooms each with their own bathroom and kitchen.<br />
There is also a 1 Bed in law with its own bathroom and kitchen<br />
<br />
Small yard<br />
Laundry hook ups<br />
Sorry No Sec 8<br />
<br />
For viewings please call : 510-260-XXX<br />
<br />
Requirements:<br />
Verifiable Income of 3 times the rent, $25 Credit Fee, No Evictions or Bad rental history<br />
S.17th st at ohio ave (google map) (yahoo map)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Listing two:<br />
<br />
"Perfecto para 3 familias": http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/apa/4332448937.html<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgt4BxkRAPVnqQd6drxKz1nzPVj_sxrI3rSgAurqrHQjg_upZtMvwaZ7X_3mBlcE-ciDU5bk-ve8rP189FS_blq-hh32SDvaqXgskMzVzsPcPIO6y-wDgQCMwqSV_pZKA2sJWoi2GSiP9E/s1600/racist+house+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgt4BxkRAPVnqQd6drxKz1nzPVj_sxrI3rSgAurqrHQjg_upZtMvwaZ7X_3mBlcE-ciDU5bk-ve8rP189FS_blq-hh32SDvaqXgskMzVzsPcPIO6y-wDgQCMwqSV_pZKA2sJWoi2GSiP9E/s1600/racist+house+1.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Rento Casa de 5 recamaras 3 baños en Richmond<br />
Son 2 unidades con 2 recamaras 1 baño , cocina .<br />
La tercera unidad es de 1 recamara 1 baño y cocina.<br />
<br />
Perfecto para 3 familias<br />
<br />
Llame al : 510.260XXXX<br />
<br />
S.17th st at ohio ave (google map) (yahoo map)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I wonder if I can nominate both ads for "best of craigslist" together?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-47294445438526120562014-01-29T02:04:00.002-06:002014-01-29T02:10:36.112-06:00Why I love conflicting feedbackTwo Ubergroupers have recently aired frustrations about receiving conflicting feedback:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"I'm at a bit of a loss because [my critiquers] disagree so much about one particular section. [Some] love the section and say that that’s where things really start to pick up, while [others] say it drags."</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"It makes it really hard to figure out if I really didn't make it clear, or their perception is off in some way."</blockquote>
<br />
My answer to both: collect more data.<br />
<br />
I don't simply mean "seek more critiques," but also, collect more data about the critiquer. Everyone's opinion is valid insofar as the demographic they represent.<br />
<br />
For example, I paid for a professional critique on my last draft. It was absolutely fantastic, and for the most part, I weigh Chris' opinion much more heavily than others, because:<br />
<br />
- <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4712375.Christopher_Buehlman" target="_blank">He has three extremely well-reviewed books out with Penguin</a> and therefore has a more valid professional opinion about what will and won't sell in the traditional publishing industry than a random volunteer on the internet.<br />
- I personally think he has a <a href="http://youtu.be/QTrOx_vzGA4" target="_blank">masterful command of the English language</a>, in the same grandiose, archaic style I am fond of.<br />
- I know he's a history buff (everyone who I've met working at <a href="http://www.renfair.com/index.asp" target="_blank">Renaissance Faires</a> is at least a little bit) so if I didn't make something clear, I can't say "well, that's cause you don't read historical fiction."<br />
<br />
A perfect example of conflicting information and what I did with it is the varying reaction he and other critiquers have had to my prose. That is, the words I choose and the way I actually phrase things. Chris said it was almost boggling how some individual lines were so stunning and others were such honkers. He accurately identified a common habit of mid-level Faire performers such as myself: mixing Early Modern English (aka "Shakespearean" English) with modern colloquialism. This can be used purposefully - he does it to very good comedic end in his Faire act - but often, it's just a lazy actor saying nonsensical shit. I do it a little in my Faire act as well, but mostly I'm in the latter camp of "uncontrolled bad habit," and he made a point of singling out cases in my manuscript where I'd been grandiloquent in an obvious designed, rhythmic and appreciable way, versus where I'd just spewed some senseless anachronistic crap and never fixed it.<br />
<br />
Incidentally, everyone one of the lines he picked out as stunning (with the advice "now make the whole book like this) has been HATED by about 5% of my other critiquers. And I mean all the same ones. If one person hates a line Chris loved... that same person will usually single out every other line Chris loved and hate them, too.<br />
<br />
It's not a coincidence, I've realised, nor is it conflicting information. It's information about how readers have consistent preferences. Chris is a Shakespearean actor, and frankly, much better than me. He is extremely comfortable with grandiose sentence structure and archaic vocabulary, and can discern when it is or is not done well. The lines he loved were all convoluted 40+ word monsters, bent over backwards and tied in knots of metaphor like a goddamn Cirque du Soliel contortionist. Most had at least three clauses and several featured a cameo appearance by a semicolon.<br />
<br />
Needless to say, readers who like contemporary minimalism HATE THAT SHIT.<br />
<br />
Is that conflicting information? NOT AT ALL. Especially once I get enough of it, and take the time to dig into the critiquer's background and preferences. If the first and only critique I'd gotten was from a minimalist, and they'd destroyed my sentence-de-resistance, demanding I make it simpler, I would have shared in the frustration of "Is it ME, or do they just not get it?" With enough data, however, I can see the pattern. This is not to say I suggest burying your head under a pillow and throwing a tantrum about how SOMEDAY you will find someone who understands your artistry. It's a struggle to figure out the difference between laughing off bad advice and actually refusing to learn.<br />
<br />
The question comes down to: to whom do you plan to sell it? Whom do you want to impress?<br />
<br />
Find critiquers who represent that in some capacity, and that's whose advice to take.<br />
<br />
I know that there are theatre and history nerds who go OMGWTFBBQ!!!!KFDJHJKDD over well-delivered Shakespeare with me. They are a large and rabid audience, and I've got a plenty high goal to try to impress them, without worrying about making any minimalists who wouldn't sit through "The Hollow Crown" with me happy. But the key thing is that I now know whom I am trying to impress. Whom I theoretically want to buy my book and rave over it. So I now know whose negative opinions I take the most seriously in terms of poor word choice and what constitutes a 'clean' and 'comprehensible' sentence.<br />
<br />
You may need to find several groups of critiquers who care for different aspects of your work. with rare exceptions, I don't recommend latching onto only one good critiquer. There's a foil to all of Chris' value - he doesn't like romantic subplots. That's a bit of a mismatch when my whole book is like a historical soap opera about political manoeuvring, marriages and betrayal, "sit(ting) upon the ground and telling sad stories of the death of kings."<br />
<br />
At one point, he said in the margin notes: "OH MY FUCKING GOD. I seriously don't give a shit about who he sleeps with." He said it during a scene that almost 90% of my other critiquers adored. One person, an English lit teacher and also highly qualified opinion, told me to hurry up and publish so he could incorporate the book into his curriculum on gender roles, feminism and sexuality.<br />
<br />
Key difference? All of the people who liked that scene like love-triangle type plots.<br />
<br />
Both types of feedback have been excellent, and it's what I recommend for everyone. Find multiple qualified critters to represent different facets of your target audience. They don't have to be Shakespearean actors and English lit teachers - people who would buy you genre count as "qualified" readers. My work straddles the line between fantasy and historical, and only by getting reviews from multiple people who read one genre but not the other have I been able to learn what goes over well with whom, and to which markets I should pitch the final product. They all had no special qualification other than being the kind of person who might possibly buy a book of that nature. Consumer research, if you will. Corporations spend millions on it all the time.<br />
<br />
Almost every feeling of "I don't know which opinion to take!" can be solved by collecting more data.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-35057935024207190142014-01-23T20:41:00.002-06:002014-01-23T20:41:44.992-06:00I am talentedIs there a prize for being really good at burning porridge while writing? A uni degree, perhaps? Because I am a goddamn master at it.<br />
<br />
Me: (writing) Hmm, I'm hungry. (wanders out to kitchen, peers into cabinets.) Hmm. Everything requires serious cooking except for the oat bran. I know, I'll make porridge! It will be nice and warm for a cold day and I'll be full for hours so I can get things done without my stomach bothering me.<br />
<br />
(Assembles pot of oat bran and milk. Maybe with some chocolate, or some goji berries and cinnamon)<br />
<br />
(goes back to writing)<br />
<br />
(writes)<br />
<br />
(writes)<br />
<br />
(writes)<br />
<br />
(smells burning, runs out to kitchen. Boiled-over milk is ALL OVER the stove-top. Oats crusted and blackened to bottom of pot.)<br />
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Me: GODDAMN ITAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-37009668044909256682014-01-18T07:03:00.000-06:002014-01-18T07:03:13.396-06:00NA: Can it be serious?Can a heavier topic like drama or historical fiction be NA if it is about angsty self-discovery of what it means to survive in the adult world .... but also if it features a male protagonist and is not a romance? Henry II was 17 when he inherited and Edward IV was 19. Topic-wise, the stories of either of their ascensions fundamentally focuses on someone abruptly forced to deal with the adult world. For fantasy readers, we're talking the Robb Stark "I must stand up because my father was wrongly killed" story arc here, which bears an uncanny resemblance to <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edward_IV_of_England" target="_blank">Edward IV's</a> actual one, when his father, Duke of <strike>Stark</strike> York was murdered by <strike>Lannisters</strike> Lancasters.<br />
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NA seems to be defined by "self-defining" type angst of coming of age and trying to find your place in the big world... which actually does describe the whole "big shoes to fill / heavy is the head" situation most of abruptly ascended medieval teenage kings were abruptly thrust into. What confuses me is that that's been a valid adult historical topic for ages, and NA is usually petty crap about sex in college, not world-scope sweeping-political-ramifications coming of age.<br />
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Is there an accepted "tone" for NA? The same way YA is usually about misfit high school angst and is separated in tone from adult by just not being as dark or gritty... Even if we followed Henry II's early campaigns to reclaim his mother's throne at 14, it would be adult automatically, not YA, because of content. But since NA does allow the gritty stuff and is explicitly supposed to be about angsty self-discovery and finding one's place in the world, would something that large and heavy in scope qualify? Or does it get bumped up to Adult because NA is supposed to be fluffy romance, and therefore NA Historical implies bodice-ripping?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-87141731119806975442014-01-11T04:20:00.002-06:002014-01-11T07:47:37.485-06:00Three arguments for making writing an ensemble art form.Writers, are you in a critique group? If not, you should be.<br />
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I'm really growing to appreciate the importance of bringing the ensemble-arts culture of peer review, accountability, and positive reinforcement to primarily solo pursuits like fiction writing. Coming from a theatre background, I thrive on group dynamics.<br />
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A theatre background understates it: I am an improv kid. Doesn't matter if that improv is drama, comedy, music, dance, or anything else. The very first thing I want to do when a half-formed concept enters my head is throw it to a group of peers to bounce around and play with. I thought for awhile this was just a quirk, an entertaining footnote about my personal process when talking shop.<br />
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Now that I've been moderating the <a href="http://bewarethejabb.blogspot.com/2013/12/how-ubergroup-works-for-n00bs.html" target="_blank">Ubergroup</a> for awhile, I've realized the need for ensemble culture is almost universal. Dozens of people who have been stuck in ruts told me the Ubergroup motivates and energizes them. Some have told me it's prevented them from giving up on writing as a craft. This is not because I'm particularly awesome, or because the Ubergroup is made of magic. It's because <i>working with other people</i> is awesome. I'm just some fuck who is so dependent on this particular form of human interaction, I'm motivated to beg people to do things with me.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">The kick comes from people, buddy boy.</span></div>
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Here's why:<br />
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<b>1. A group provides accountability.</b> As everyone knows, it's all too easy to put off doing pretty much anything... until you have to show up and tell people what you've done so far. In the Ubergroup, we ask people to post one new chapter of writing per week, and critique the chapters of 3-5 teammates. This pace is <i>completely fucking arbitrary</i>. Brandon Sanderson suggested it in his online course, and we liked it. That is all. There is no God of Writing that says you will be damned for life if you don't produce new work at that rate.<br />
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How do I enforce this rate? Well, if I don't see you post your chapter at the beginning of the week, or critique your teammates by the end of it.... I email you and ask you if everything is okay. OoooOOOooooh. Scary. I even have <i>secret police</i> keeping an eye on everyone.... aka, a few veteran Ubergroup members divide the work with me of clicking on everyone's chapters to make sure they all got their promised crits. If you don't respond, you go to the Big Badde Public Pillory: the 'Delinquent List' stickied in our discussion forums. The delinquent list is used to keep track of people who have gone MIA. If they don't surface within two weeks, they lose their place on their team. In the end, it's just a list of names on some forum somewhere on the internet, but people act like they're about to lose their job. Humans are naturally competitive, social animals who care what other humans are doing. Simply having a moderator keep track - publicly - of your promises to write regularly lights the fire under people's asses, and the result is people sticking to their own goals of consistent production.<br />
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2. <b>Different perspectives prevent stagnation.</b> Remember <a href="http://cyan.com/games/myst/" target="_blank">Myst</a>? The one game where everyone and their mother got stuck and gave up? When I was in high school, my friends and I beat it in 22 hours one weekend. That Christmas break, we beat Riven in 5 days, playing round the clock, sleeping in shifts. Aside from proving what gigantic nerds we all were, the key thing is that <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learning_styles" target="_blank">different people think differently</a>. Myst was groundbreaking in that it's puzzles required you to simply pick up on patterns in the environment, which were all coded in extremely different ways. One might be mathematical while another is based on colour, and yet another might rely on observing the <a href="http://youtu.be/B8Kis_DwUQI" target="_blank">ambient sound effects of birds</a> in the background. The Myst games are so friggin' hard because most people simply aren't good at everything. In a group, we found that even when most of us were stumped, at least one person would be the right combination of visual vs auditory, mathematical vs verbal, right brain vs left, or whatever, and find the solution.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">The idea of falling into a book is oddly appropriate here.</span></div>
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That's an indispensable asset of practising any art in ensemble: you can build on each others ideas where you might have run out on your own and correct each other where you might not have noticed. Why do writers imagine they must sit alone in their metaphorical attics like archetypal mad composers, sweating and slaving over their unadulterated genius? For every miraculous prodigy, this method produces about 10,000 shitty garage bands doomed to crash and bang away in obscurity.<br />
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One of the biggest values of the Ubergroup is that it provides a round-table environment for discussion and brainstorming. The model means that a minimum of 3-5 people have all read the same work on a given week, and if the author has questions about the feedback they received or needs ideas on how to fix a problem, they can tap into other people's varied thinking methods and find the solution much more quickly. As useful as it is to have a spoon, you can't use it to drive a nail very well, and a hammer is not particularly suited to eating soup. Neither will saw a board in half very effectively. Technically, if you really want to go back to the stone age, an <a href="http://humanorigins.si.edu/evidence/behavior/tools/early-tools" target="_blank">intelligently flaked rock</a> CAN do most things, eventually, but good god, the wheel's already been invented and someone else has one you can borrow. <i>Share</i>. In economics they call this <a href="http://www.econlib.org/library/Topics/Details/comparativeadvantage.html" target="_blank">comparative advantage.</a><br />
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3. <b>Competition and cooperation drive people.</b> <a href="http://dsc.discovery.com/tv-shows/curiosity/topics/big-question-why-are-humans-competitive.htm" target="_blank">Humans are naturally both.</a> It's necessary on an evolutionary level. Life is competitive, and one of the ways we deal with it is by being <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_animal" target="_blank">social animals</a>. Nothing motivates a group of people to action like dividing them up into teams and giving them something to compete over - even if it is the silliest little thing. Accessing our <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Us-Them-Understanding-Your-Tribal/dp/0316090301" target="_blank">tribal brain</a> - in a lighthearted way, of course - fosters good feeling and makes friends for life. (In a non-lighthearted way it can turn things into the Hunger Games, which I am not suggesting at this juncture.)<br />
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In practice, I've found that dividing people into teams and encouraging them to name themselves (Names range from the more obvious, eg "Team Awesomesauce" and "The Unsavory Plot Doctors" to the unequivocally silly, eg "The Fighting Salmon" "Strawberry Jello Warriors" and "The Noblest Goat-Farters In The Land,") creates a sudden sense of comradery. The teams that are lukewarm about developing a unified competitive identity are inevitably the ones that fall apart. Originally, the teams were simply for the purpose of delineating who owed critiques to whom, but a few Hogwarts-style point jokes ("Ten points to Spaceship Slacksalot for being the first team to submit all their chapters this week!") rapidly evolved into a good-natured contest that seems to have galvanized people. There's <a href="http://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=positive+reinforcement+in+the+workplace&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart&sa=X&ei=jxTRUu_3IriisASOi4H4Cw&ved=0CC0QgQMwAA" target="_blank">about a zillion scholarly articles about the benefits of positive reinforcement in the workplace</a>, and public acknowledgement about feats of productivity, such as being the first team to complete all posts or critiques for a week, or having a particularly constructive conversation about this weeks works in the forums, etc, gets people excited and proud. It's the reason it's so easy to get a kid to concentrate on playing guitar hero, but not on practising a real guitar alone - nothing is measuring their progress and cheering on their success.<br />
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No one actually needs the tiny prizes (in site currency) I'm offering the winning team, but plain and simple, acknowledgement of your hard work motivates people to keep working.<br />
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<b>Once again, it's not the Ubergroup that is magic, nor is it me. </b>It's the bringing together of people. There's the accountability of being expected, the "economic" (in intellectual and artistic currency) advantage of trade, and the psychological benefit of competition, cooperation, and positive acknowledgement. If you're not in a writer's community, join one, or form your own. Some popular online options include <a href="http://absolutewrite.com/forums/" target="_blank">Absolute Write</a>, <a href="http://critters.org/">Critters.org</a>, and <a href="http://agentqueryconnect.com/" target="_blank">AQ connect</a>. My personal favourite, hands down (and no, they don't pay me to say this, I actually pay them to be a regular old member) is <a href="http://www.scribophile.com/dashboard/" target="_blank">Scribophile</a>. It's a chicken or the egg question to ask whether the Ubergroup formed there because I like Scrib, or if I like Scrib because the Ubergroup formed there. Either way, ANY venue to interact with other writers - including good old fashioned in-person crit circles - is invaluable. Meet and rehearse every week like a band or a theatre company. It will blow your writerly mind.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-91294109100686922212014-01-03T20:23:00.003-06:002014-01-03T20:25:43.136-06:00Why character is the most important thing.A critique partner over in the <a href="http://bewarethejabb.blogspot.com/2013/12/how-ubergroup-works-for-n00bs.html" target="_blank">Ubergroup</a> has an excellent plot, but his story wasn't engaging me as a reader. I explained to him what does engage me as a reader, and I think it's relevant for any aspiring storyteller.<br />
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I, personally, am drawn in by character, character, and character. Flawed, sympathetic, three-dimensional people with desperate needs and a fire lit under their asses. People I can understand, like, and empathize with. People I get worried about. It's like making a friend. I have to know them - and like them enough - that I give a shit if they live or die.</blockquote>
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That's the "why" I'm looking for. Right now I could give less than a shit if some made-up country is over-run by goblins. Simply being a massacre is not enough to catch my interests - I'd rather spend my brain energy on the real-world massacres in South Sudan actually going on right now. The actual, real, literal world we live in is full of genocide, human trafficking, disease, and all kinds of shit I could (and SHOULD) be spending my time worrying about. Why would I, as a reader, want to pick up a book in which someone made up a bunch of shit about human suffering in an alternate universe?</blockquote>
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Answer: because it's happening to a character I give a shit about.</blockquote>
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This is why I'm more likely to waste time helping that friend who's roommate attacked her move out of her apartment asap, or take in the wayward runaway at my door, or testify in the court case of the single dad who's babymama is a total crackhead. Because they are real people with real emotions in my face and I give a shit what happens to them next. Every one of them is having a first world problem. Everyone one of them has clean running water and health care (to what extent we have health care in america) and isn't literally being forced into prostitution at gun point, starving, or having bombs go off around their houses. Hell, I'm going to help the one friend without a car get to the apple store to fix her phone because it's cold out, speaking of first world problems, instead of concerning myself about South Sudan and Syria and Darfur. Why? Because I don't actually know any South Sudanese. Yes, people are dying, like they always do. But my friend with the broken iphone is really upset and I like her.</blockquote>
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That's just how human motivation works - we are only capable of caring about so many people, before it becomes a statistic. I can flip on the news any day to hear about someone getting shot in right here in Chicago and not be nearly as upset as if one of my friends was the one who got shot. Why? Is that person across town less human than my friend? Do they count less? No, I just don't know them. There was a study I read somewhere recently (I can probably google it up if you're curious) that says the human brain is hardwired to have a limit of about 130 people it can care about - the maximum size of a tribe in a hunter-gather society, the context in which we evolved for millenia. That's how big "us" can possibly be, before everyone else is "them." I mean DEEPLY care about - the way a person is wrecked for months, years, or the rest of their lives if their spouse of child dies, not the way people calmly say "OMG, I'm so upset" when a celebrity dies and forget about it in a few days. </blockquote>
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To make me give a shit about your plot and whether or not goblins overtake a fictional country in a fiction world, you have to make the people of that country part of my tribe. Part of my 130 people I am capable of giving a shit about.I have to get to know at least one person, vividly, and like them, and worry about them.</blockquote>
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They have to become my friend.</blockquote>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-72170720000841456392013-12-23T02:25:00.000-06:002015-06-16T18:36:15.855-05:00How the Ubergroup works, for n00bs<span style="font-family: inherit;">What is this "Ubergroup" thing you keep rambling about, Jerry? </span>Why, thank you for asking!<br />
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<b>The principles of the Ubergroup are work ethic, positive attitude, teamwork and helping each other becoming better writers. </b>The main benefits of the Ubergroup are a rigorous structure that provides motivation; devoted moderators that intensively monitor consistency, quality, and tone of critiques to ensure everyone gets a large amount of useful feedback; and friendly, active members that create a positive but not sycophantic environment that constantly challenges us to grow. The work emphasis is not on individual critiques but on round-table, conceptual discussion by multiple people who have read the entirety of each work.<br />
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<b>Basic Ubergroup Structure: </b>Everyone is assigned a team of 4-6 members. You will crit them every week and receive crits from them, then discuss everyone’s work. Your posted work is checked each Monday and your promised crits are checked each Friday. Please make your work visible to the entire Ubergroup—we can’t verify the quality of crits you receive if we can’t see them. Cycles are six weeks long, with an "off week" in between. You can join, drop out, or switch teams between cycles. Teams can also elect to continue uninterrupted through multiple cycles.<br />
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<b>The Master Thread: </b>Each week, I will post a master thread by Monday morning entitled "Cycle X, Week Y" with announcements and info for the week. Each team captain will reply to the thread with the status of every teammate and the links to relevant works. Your captain will create a team-specific deadline (usually Sunday night) to enable them to have the full roster prepared by Monday.<br />
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The master thread is an attendance sheet used to determine that the whole Ubergroup is meeting standards and to award Awesome Points for participation, teamwork, promptness, etc. It is every member’s responsibility to be accounted for by the team-specific deadline set by their captain, and the captain’s responsibility to account for the whole team by the master deadline.<br />
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<b>There is only one rule: Don’t be an a**hole. </b>You may be political, be politically incorrect, swear like a sailor, discuss adult subjects, discuss the contents of critiques, or whatever you like, PROVIDED you are respectful and mature about it. “Being an a**hole” will result in summary removal with no appeal. Every one of you is an adult, and no time will be wasted debating or delineating the basics of behaviour we all learned in kindergarten.<br />
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If you take any issue with another member, bring up it up privately to your captains, the mods, or me. We will do our best to handle it with equal discretion. The only time anyone’s behaviour may be called out in public is as in official final warning from me directly, after all other channels have been exhausted.<br />
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<b>Your resources:</b><br />
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Your first resource is your team captain, a veteran member who is used to how things work. They’ll answer your questions and let you know if you’re missing anything. They also organise any customised plans of action for the team. If anything seems to be going amiss, your captain will do their best to head it off before it becomes a problem.<br />
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Your second resource are the moderators. Mods are all veteran members, chosen for neutrality and fair-mindedness, who keep an eye on teams besides their own. They’ll also gladly answer questions, but they specifically look out for failure to participate or comply with Ubergroup standards. If they see something, they will ask you (privately, via pm) to fix it, and report it to the other mods and your captain.<br />
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The final resource is me. I will also gladly answer questions, especially ones you can’t ask your captain—such as if you don’t get along with them, or want to switch teams without offending anyone. I also serve as the final level of enforcement. If participation or behaviour issues cannot be rectified by any other method, I am the final word.<br />
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<b>Enforcement methods and timing:</b><br />
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Your captain will do their best to keep things running smoothly before there is a problem. If you are running late, need to skip a week, etc—tell your captain BEFORE the deadline. If you think you violated a social convention by accident—tell your captain BEFORE it comes back to bite you. Things handled pro-actively at this level are not considered real problems.<br />
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After a violation or missed deadline, the issue goes to the mods, who will contact you and your captain to try to get things sorted. The problem will be recorded and resolution attempts tracked in the mod group to ensure fairness—no penalty will be dispensed until a problem has been verified as consistent over time. There are fourteen mods, including myself, who can see and discuss all records, to ensure neutrality. If you need a special arrangement, just ask us! Almost all policies are flexible. The important part is spirit of the idea: work as hard as you can, communicate your needs clearly, and be respectful, considerate, and supportive. Almost anything else is possible within that, as long as you communicate.<br />
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At a minimum, you are always guaranteed at least one moderator attempt to contact you and at least one week to respond before a penalty is enacted. Depending on the circumstance, additional efforts may be offered, such as the contact attempts from multiple mods, an extended deadline, or a final public warning. If a problem appears unresolvable, or if you fail to respond, you will be removed from the Ubergroup.<br />
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<b>There is one hard penalty for the one hard rule: A**holish behaviour is subject to immediate removal without appeal or explanation.</b><br />
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<b>Team Types / working speeds:</b><br />
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“Draft team” – the default Ubergroup team. They post and exchange critiques on one chapter or short story (approximately 2-4k) per person, per week. This style of team is designed for people who are actively writing rough drafts and need encouragement to produce a minimum number of words per week. It is TOTALLY OKAY to post un-proofread raw material to a draft team. We are here to support you getting your work out consistently. We do not want you stuck in a rut because you are afraid to post.<br />
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“Fast track” - team exchanges critiques in the same manner, on a larger quantity (usually 2-4 chapters or 6-10k words) per week. This style of team is for people who have most of their first draft written and are able to take on a larger critique load in order to complete everyone’s manuscripts sooner. Basic self-proofreading before posting requested.<br />
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“Over-achievers” – intimate team of three members with complete first drafts. Members take turns being “featured” each week. The featured member posts approximately ¼ of their manuscript (20-40k words) and the other two members read the whole section and offer gestalt feedback. In turns, this enables all members to receive 2 complete reads of their manuscripts over the course of 12 weeks, or two cycles. Basic self-proofreading and self-editing before posting required.<br />
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“The Beta Team” – rotating team of 4-5 members per cycle. Members take turns being featured each week, and post their entire manuscript. The whole team reads a single entire manuscript in one week, like a published book, to facilitate round-table discussion. Manuscripts must be at least on their third draft – as in, must have been completely critiqued and gut-rewritten at least twice, proofread (by a copyeditor or service such as prowritingaid) and ready to send to agents. They must be of a standard marketable length (Under 90k, less for YA/MG. Fantasy, historical and scifi of exceptionally high polish may apply for a merit-based exemption up to 130k.) for their genre and age bracket. There is only one “main beta spotlight” manuscript for the entire Ubergroup per week. Although only the other 3-4 members of the current team are required to beta read, many manuscripts receive additional voluntary beta reads (if your pitch is particularly catchy or if you have built good relationships by voluntarily beta reading others.) You MUST complete at least one cycle in the Ubergroup on any other kind of team in good standing, or at least three voluntary out-of-team betas to be eligible for the beta team.<br />
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“The Query Team” – a rotating team that focuses on the submission package of query, synopsis, and first three chapters. You may apply directly for the query team with a complete, submission-ready manuscript. Incomplete manuscripts must have put through at least one cycle of the Ubergroup (so the opening chapters are not on a first draft.)<br />
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<b>Special statuses:</b><br />
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Crit only - Members may take a week off from posting at any time with no penalty as long as the intent is communicated before the weekly deadline. Members may also be crit only for entire cycles.<br />
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Reserve – Part-time members who have completed at least one cycle in good standing and need to lower their workload, but wish to maintain affiliation with their team. They are required to remain in contact with their team. Each team has the right to decide individually how much reading/critting/discussion is required to maintain reserve status with them, and may elect to drop a reserve member if they feel participation has been inadequate.<br />
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Unaffiliated – Members who have completed several cycles in good standing and need to take a hiatus, but intend to return. An unaffiliated member has no team affiliation and no critique or discussion requirements. This is granted on a case-by-case basis and must be re-applied for by speaking directly to me once per cycle. All beta members are automatically eligible for one unaffiliated cycle immediately after completing beta.<br />
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<b>Awesome Points </b>are a game rewarding work ethic, positive attitude, teamwork, and helping each other become better writers. It's a hybrid between Hogwarts house points, "Who's Line is it Anyway: where the rules are made up and the points don't matter," and Calvinball. Points are awarded for things like being all in on time with submissions or crits and excellent discussion threads on writing relevant subject, but don't get too hung up on exactly what is worth what - it's variable, subjective, and meant in good fun. The unifying principle is that any time I see a team demonstrating mutual support and constrictive behaviour, you'll probably get points. The winning team receives their choice of books on writing craft, cookies, or anything similarly motivational.<br />
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<b>Minor Housekeeping Things:</b><br />
Please make your work visible to the entire Ubergroup. This is so mods can keep an eye on the quality of your crits. We cannot regulate what we cannot see. Similarly, we suggest keeping your discussions in-group and visible. We are not responsible for disagreements had in private venues such as other private scrib groups or skype chats.<br />
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Please turn off your reaction notifications. In the settings tab, under “When I react to a forums post,” select “allow no one to see.” With such a large and active group, the “group activity” tab is rapidly flooded otherwise.<br />
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If you have or need spare karma, contact Jennifer Todhunter. If you’d like to be part of the off-scrib contact list, contact Dawn Chapman.<br />
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<b>The Ubergroup is not a democracy. </b>Officially, I am the Tyrannical Uberlord of Everything. That being said, 99.98% of requests will be accommodated (switching teams, posting/critting at different rates, working or not working with other specific members, giving your team a goofy name, etc) so long as it is in the general spirit of improving as writers, good work ethic, and generally playing nice with each other. I only reserve the final word for cases of indecision or needing to break up disagreements.<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Interested? Ping me on scrib with your genre, preferred workin speed, and elevator pitch to be waitlisted for the next cycle. We welcome all genres and formats</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">. You will be contacted as spots open up on teams. </span><a href="http://www.scribophile.com/groups/the-ubergroup/">http://www.scribophile.com/groups/the-ubergroup/</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-72597225062571083642013-12-09T20:57:00.002-06:002014-12-28T05:35:34.175-06:00The Art of Dramatic WritingI've said it many times before, and I'll say it again: I am <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lajos_Egri" target="_blank">Lajos Egri</a>'s bitch.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Art-Of-Dramatic-Writing-Interpretation/dp/9562915867" target="_blank">The Art of Dramatic Writing</a> is in widespread use as a textbook for college screenwriting classes, and I believe it applies equally to theatre and fiction. It is widely considered definitive and I highly recommend you read it if you haven't.<br />
<br />
Here's the cliff notes:<br />
<br />
<b>1. Premise is the basis of everything</b>. Premise is not a vague sense of "general theme" - it is the one sentence underlying message the whole book is trying to prove. Famous example: Romeo and Juiliet's premise is "True love defies even death." The premise is the roadmap, the direction I'm going. If my goal is to run a race as fast as possible, every step must be taken in the direction of the finish line, no meandering. If every word I say does not serve to prove my premise, I'm saying extraneous shit.
If a book is written correctly, the premise should make itself obvious. If it doesn't, that's a problem.<br />
<br />
<b>2. Character defines plot. </b>All actions must be based in necessity - they must be the ONLY possible thing that character could have done in that situation, given who they are. Never, never make a character do something because you've scheduled it to happen. A coward will not jump in front of a train to rescue a damsel because it is time to be a hero - a real coward will stand there and watch her die. If one wants to write a story about someone being heroic, one better create a hero first. If you don't absolutely believe that OF COURSE it had to go down that way because HOW ELSE could it have gone, I've fucked up.<br />
<br />
<b>3. Point of attack is knowing when the curtain should rise and when it should fall</b> - not having any extraneous shit. Everyone has at least one climactic moment in their lives, but most of the reality-tv footage of the minutae needs to end up on the cutting room floor to have a concise two hour drama. The story begins right in the imbroglio and all scenes must exist to show the character-driven actions that prove the premise. If I'm not following both rules 1 and 2 for even a moment, it needs to go.<br />
<br />
That is my writer's mantra: Premise. Character. Point of attack.<br />
<br />
In addition to Egri, I like these two Scribophile academy articles on the subject of <a href="http://www.scribophile.com/academy/passive-and-active-voice" target="_blank">passive vs active voice</a> and <a href="http://www.scribophile.com/academy/the-show-versus-tell-debate" target="_blank">show vs. tell. </a><br />
<br />
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and to exchange feedback with other writers. If you'd like to exchange with me, head over to <a href="http://scribophile.com/">scribophile.com</a> and join the <a href="http://bewarethejabb.blogspot.com/2013/12/how-ubergroup-works-for-n00bs.html" target="_blank">Ubergroup</a>.<br />
<br />
Cheers.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-78312863335785684862013-12-08T05:59:00.000-06:002014-01-11T05:06:55.364-06:00How to Write To Women on OkCupidRepost today. Sadly, OKCupid has ceased to host the "journal" feature on which this article was originally posted, which also means the string of (literally <i>hundreds </i>of) reactionary comments are lost to posterity. The article is too good to vanish into the night, so I am republishing it here.<br />
<u><b><br /></b></u>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://ak3.okccdn.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/160x160/160x160/15x33/481x499/2/11490345466410753480.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://ak3.okccdn.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/160x160/160x160/15x33/481x499/2/11490345466410753480.jpeg" /></a></div>
<u><b>How To Write To Women On OkCupid</b></u><br />
by <a href="http://www.okcupid.com/profile/awibs" target="_blank">AWIBS</a><br />
<br />
<br />
<b>1.) Read my profile, and write a letter to me PERSONALLY,
from scratch.</b><br />
<br />
No form letters. We can tell. It's insulting. We won't bite.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://akcdn.okccdn.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/160x160/160x160/121x312/848x1039/2/12078238384879182538.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://akcdn.okccdn.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/160x160/160x160/121x312/848x1039/2/12078238384879182538.jpeg" /></a></div>
Example:<i> </i>"Hey my name is Matt 25m livin in
lakeview. 5'10 168 lbs brown hair blue eyes. I think I'm a pretty
fun guy, I like to go out, have a few drinks, hang out party. I
like sports, baseball hiking outdoors stuff like that LOL the one
downside just to be honest i do smoke sorry if that bothers u
anyway if you'd like to hang out sometime let me know."<br />
<br />
First of all, you don't need to tell me your
weight. It's amazing how many guys do this. What do you think I'm
going to say?<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b><a href="http://akcdn.okccdn.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/160x160/160x160/177x76/414x313/2/3012053143557563210.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://akcdn.okccdn.com/php/load_okc_image.php/images/160x160/160x160/177x76/414x313/2/3012053143557563210.jpeg" /></a></b></div>
"Oh, I only date MIDDLEWEIGHTS. It's a good thing you
let me know you're a light heavy ahead of time."<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I don't need to
know anything about your physical appearance, actually - did you
know your photo pops up by the side when I open your email? In
fact, not repeating the generalized, key-word ridden summary of
your profile is a really solid tactic. If I wanted to know that, I
could click through myself. The above email is effectively a spam
broadcasting of your profile.<br />
<br />
Try to say something different, maybe
personal? If you'd read my profile, you would know I especially
don't care for "baseball, hiking, outdoor stuff LOL." Reciting them
again just serves to prove that you couldn't even be bothered to
read my profile. It makes me think you're not a real person, but a
spam bot. Do you think every close-up picture of an ass that
friends you on myspace REALLY wants to be your literal, actual
friend?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Better example:<i> "I noticed you really like Heinlein...
what's your favourite book of his?"</i>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It doesn't have to be some giant essay. I
understand that when so many emails receive no reply, it seems a
waste of time to compose lengthy, thoughtful letters. Don't. Overly
lengthy letters can seem creepy and stalkerish at first, anyway.
Just pick one personal trait or interest and make a specific
comment, followed by a specific question to encourage reply.<br />
<br />
<b>2.) Say something ORIGINAL.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Example:<i> </i>"Hey how r u. u sound like a fun gal. well
ne ways i'd like to get to know u so if youd like to know more
about me or chat sometime hit me back.<i> </i>peace"</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You don't sound like a fun
guy. I don't want to know more about you.<br />
<br />
You sound like a faceless, mindless, unidentifiable zombie droning
"msg me... msg me..." I might as well make friends with the
automated phone menu machine. Try to think of something specific
that I would enjoy about you and suggest it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Better example:<i> "I've always wanted to learn tango. Do you
swing? I'll teach you to swing if you'll teach me to
tango."</i>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
P.S. Though it is excellent strategy to
cultivate a hobby, such as social dancing, that a majority of girls
will be eager to try with you, if you don't have any such catch-all
party trick prepared, never fear. Search my profile for ANY
interest we may have in common and suggest we do that. Failing
that, suggest we do something goofy, non-sexual, fun and kind of
ridiculous like building a pillow fort. If we have no common
interests and can't have fun doing nothing in particular either,
this is clearly not meant to be and you should move on without
wasting your time.<br />
<br />
<b>3.) Don't compliment me.</b><br />
<br />
Not on the first letter. Just don't. It sounds like senseless
flattery, an overt, "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Example:<i> "WOW baby u r so hot just WOW."</i>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don't tell me I'm hot, cute, pretty, amazing,
awesome, fun, sexy, interesting, or any generic positive trait to
be sought in a mate. I know you want to date and/or fuck me. Why
the hell else are you writing me on OKCupid? You have plenty of
time to compliment me later, when you have given me a reason to
care what you think. Most women can't be bought straight off the
bat with senseless flattery. Those who do hoard compliments from
any and every stranger are so insecure and neurotic you won't want
to deal with it when their fragile ego explodes in a rush of
jealous neediness after you DO fuck them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Example 2:<i> "I must say, you are a fascinating and
intelligent woman. I would love to get to know you."</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i> </i>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even proper grammar can't save this one. It's
still "nice shoes, wanna fuck?" dressed up. If you are smart enough
to write in complete sentences, try putting some worthwhile content
into those sentences.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Better example:<i> "What kind of gaming are you into? I just
bought a new Myst-type and was looking for some people to crack
into it with."</i>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Notice he avoided urge to say "That's so
awesome that you're into gaming!" Just try to talk about something,
anything, without actually blathering about how great it makes
her.<br />
<br />
<b>4.) If it's not working, drop it.</b><br />
<br />
Annoying her more is not going to make her like you. The moment you
think it's not going somewhere, just drop it. Drop it early, drop
it preemptively. I'm not saying be rude or give some ridiculous "I
think we should stop talking," speech. Prolonging conversation by
discussion how it should be over is ludicrous. Don't talk about how
you should shut up, just shut up. You won't lose anything by being
reticent. If she did like you, she'll send the next im.<br />
<br />
<b>5.) Use whole words.</b><br />
<br />
The days of pay-per-text are over. You will not be charged if you go over 160
characters.<br />
<br />
<b>6.) Don't talk about what you are looking for in a
relationship.</b><br />
<br />
A necessary component of every relationship is mutually wanting
one. It's putting the cart before the horse to start working out
the rules of your relationship before you've figured out if you
like each other enough to talk.<br />
<br />
<b>7.) Avoid sexual comments of any sort.</b><br />
<br />
If I have to explain why, this "dating real people" thing is not
going to work for you. Go buy a prostitute. Seriously.<br />
<br />
<b>Conclusion</b><br />
<br />
Treat women like people, with personalities. Yes, sex and dating is
a factor, but for the vast majority of people, it's not the first
factor. Do something to make yourself stand out and give her a
reason to want to talk to you personally. Take the time to observe
her (hint: READ HER PROFILE) and actually discover if you have good
reason to believe you'll get along: you will write far less emails,
but you will get far more responses from those you do write
to.<br />
<br />
If you want a whore, buy a whore. This is how to talk to
people.<br />
<br />
Good luck.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-60818689241911624832013-12-07T08:01:00.002-06:002013-12-08T16:10:18.329-06:00What is the air speed velocity of an unladen poo?An unusual blog pimp: <a href="http://www.blogger.com/profile/02361550958689286343" target="_blank">Brendan Pope, aka Tsaven</a>, lives on some very strange and fascinating parts of the planet. He does contract work in weird locations like <a href="http://frozennerd.blogspot.com/2013/11/home-sweet-home.html" target="_blank">Antarctica</a> or the <a href="http://kwaj-srsly.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Marshall Islands</a> part of the year, and <a href="http://vagrantbiker.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">tours North America by motorcycle</a> the rest. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/535766_540669855966848_1013828021_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/535766_540669855966848_1013828021_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
He's more of a "facts" person than a "people" person, and an avid photographer, so his blogs are highly informational and glorious-image-heavy about subjects like doing research on climate change, scuba diving in the South Pacific, trying not to die while stealth camping in the Arctic Circle. And somehow, despite "not getting jokes and social stuff" - or probably because of it - he's managed to
tell more fall-out-of-your-seat funny stories about bodily functions
than everyone else I've ever met combined.<br />
<br />
Really, what else can you ask for in a blogger? Crazy adventures,
pictures of penguins, and poop jokes. All he's missing is videos of
cats.<br />
<br />
How many other people do you know who ride through Death Valley on a motorcycle, <a href="http://vagrantbiker.blogspot.com/2009/08/riding-through-death-valley.html" target="_blank">while coming up with this kind of engineering genius?</a><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I realized something. When taking a dump in a pit toilet like this, if
you know the exact time between the poo leaving you, and then the
splat/plop as it hits the pile of poo below you, you can calculate the
exact distance that your dookie is falling! This idea delighted me, so I
timed it on my stopwatch and set about the calculations.<br />
<br />
I ran
into a snag, though. I don't know the density of poo, so I can't
properly calculate it's air resistance, which would affect it's
acceleration through air. And then it struck me that given the altitude
I was at (almost 7,000 feet), the acceleration of the dookie by gravity
might be slightly faster then it would be in a pit toilet at sea level,
and I had no idea how to factor that in. *sigh* My great plans to
calculate the drop of pit toilets through the country has been foiled.</blockquote>
<br />
This is the same fellow who, at eighteen, <a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=tsaven+pee+spider&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a" target="_blank">infamously peed on a spider</a>. <br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<br />
okay so i'm standing in front of my toilet just as i'm starting to
take a whiz, and all of the sudden i feel this tickling on my foot (i
was barefoot). So i look down to see this GODDAMN HUGE FUCKING SPIDER
that had just crawled over my foot and was heading right for my other
foot! Seriously, this thing was almost the size of a tarantula! it had
to be almost 1.5-2 inches big, IT WAS FUCKING HUGE!!!! I like FLIPED out
and jumped back against the wall to try and not let that thing get at
my damn foot! keep in mind i had just started to pee and one you start,
you KNOW you can't stop, so pee is now going all over the place as i do
this fucked up little dance to stay away from this spider, who now
starts to panic and running around at this crazy hyper speed! then the
goddamn thing starts running for the door, unfortunetly, i am between
the door and it!<br />
<br />
Maybe two seconds have elapsed now, so i've got a
LONG way to go in this pee still, i'm trying to aim it somewhere at the
toilet (it's missing), and now i've got this huge spider chargeing me! I
don't know WHY i did what i did next, but i had to use the ONLY weapon
that i had at my disposal, so i aimed my pee-stream right at the spider!
i hit the fucker DEAD ON, and he didn't like that one bit, and made a
direct 90 degree turn and headed VERY quickly straight for the wall with
the radiator! I don't know what i was thinking, but i did my best to
keep peeing after the thing, and then the thing pops out from the
radiator RIGHT NEXT TO ME and tries to bolt out the door, and i'm like
PANICING so i try and pee on him, but he like SHOOTS by me into the hall
and i twirl around, for some fucked up reason, and TRY AND FOLLOW THE
FUCKER!. So i'm like hobbleing after this spider with my jeans now
around my ankles, hobbleing into the hallway with pee going ALL OVER THE
PLACE and still trying to piss on this huge damn spider! this took all
of about 7 seconds, from first tickle to me running into the hallway
peeing all over the place, and then the baster runs down the stairs!
it's about now that i finally ask myself WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING,
standing in the hallway with my pants around my ankles holding my dick
and aiming a stream of urin down the stairs, so i quickly hop back to
the bathroom and finish what was left into the sink (it was closer then
the toilet).<br />
<br />
So now, with my pants soaked in pee, i'm standing
there in front of the sink wondering WHAT THE FUCK I JUST DID! Now there
is pee on EVERY SINGLE SURFACE of the bathroom, all over all the
magazines, on EVERY wall, the floor is one big pool of pee, there's pee
in the sink, on the mirror, probably on the ceiling, the whole basket of
extra TP is now useless becasue of pee on it, my pants and undies are
SOAKED in pee, the lower half of the front part of my shirt is soaked in
pee, there's pee ALL OVER THE DAMN HALLWAY AND DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS,
and now the whole place reeks of pee AND THERE IS STILL SOME HUGE
PEE-SPIDER ROAMING THE HOUSE SOMEWHERE!<br />
<br />
So i just threw my
cloaths in the wash, and i'm gonna take a really fast shower, then try
to clean up this huge damn mess as i wonder HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA
EXPLAIN THIS ONE TO MY MOM.<br />
<br />
I'm fucked. And i smell like pee.</blockquote>
<br />
I firmly believe in stealing from his life whole-hog for the purposes of fiction; I can't make shit (har) like this up.<br />
<br />
Brendan is currently living in Antarctica, working on Palmer Station. The job appears to be generally awesome and involves many penguins, but at least once a year, <a href="http://frozennerd.blogspot.com/2013/11/it-happens-every-season.html" target="_blank">it requires him to fix something that involves direct contact with leaking and/or frozen sewage.</a><br />
<a href="http://frozennerd.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><br /></a>
<a href="http://frozennerd.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Check out his Antarcic blog</a> for a painstakingly photographed account of what it's like living and working on the bottom of the world (don't worry, the majority of it does not actually involve poo.)<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4112505105877056207.post-64988646673160921352013-12-04T04:26:00.001-06:002013-12-04T05:07:51.477-06:00The end? There is no end, son. (On constructing believable villains.)Someone once said that darkness is necessary in order to see light. That doesn't even have to be metaphor: in visual art, you need negative space to throw focus on your main subject. In drama, you need a good villain to make your hero shine. I've found a main problem in a lot of manuscripts I've beta-read recently is that their villains aren't whole people with believable motivations. They're just <i>daemon ex machinas </i>who exist to do miscellaneous bad things to Our Hero.<br />
<br />
No. That's never how it goes. No one sits in a tower, <a href="http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0547.html" target="_blank">twirling a mustache</a>, thinking of diabolical things to do for fuck's sake. They must have a reason to want to make life hard for your protagonist. Let's use Order of the Stick as an example. It's both a comic and a parody, so their villains should have every excuse to be cheap and cheesy - but they're not. They all have motivations.<br />
<br />
If they're specifically a rival who is targeting your hero personally, there's <a href="http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0608.html" target="_blank">some reason why their rivalry started</a>. More likely, "evil" characters are just people with their own needs and agendas, and your protagonist just gets in the way. One of my favourite tragic arch-villains is <a href="http://oots.wikia.com/wiki/Redcloak" target="_blank">Redcloak</a>. He's the high priest of the goblin race - about as stereotypically "evil" as a character can get. His backstory, however, is that paladin "good guys" regularly make unprovoked raids upon "monster" settlements, slaughtering everyone in sight, because their skin is green and their teeth are pointy, which means they're "evil." It's just how adventurers build XP - otherwise known as <i>ethnic cleansing. </i>It's nothing less than a quest to stop the genocide and win equal rights to live in peace for his people that drives him, and turns him into a hateful super-villain who will torture any paladin he can get his hands on.<br />
<br />
That's way more interesting, now, isn't it?<br />
<br />
Then there's <a href="http://oots.wikia.com/wiki/Tarquin" target="_blank">Tarquin</a>, (aptly named after the <a href="http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/583670/Tarquin" target="_blank">Roman despot</a>,) the Super-Villain to end all Super-Villains. His reason is simple and meta. There's always evil in the world, no matter how hard the good guys strive against it, so why not live well? Even when he's self-aware that he is evil for evil's sake, he has a damn good believable human reason for it: selfishness.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0763.html" target="_blank">General Tarquin's Manifesto</a>, aka the Bad Guy's creed. <br />
<br />
<b> "The end of what, son? The story? There is no end, just the point at which the storytellers stop talking. Somewhere between 'villain of the week' and 'good triumphs over evil' there's asweet spot where guys like me get to rule the roost for years. [...] I was willing to make that deal when I thought it was going to be some random peasant schmuck taking me out, but now I see the big picture: It's YOU. [...] Think about it! An epic for the ages! Father vs son! One hero vs the force of an empire! They'll tell stories about us 'til the end of history! [...] That's the beauty of it all, my son. If I win, I get to be a king. If I lose, I get to be a <i>legend</i>. "</b><br />
<br />
I've said it many times before, and I'm not stopping anytime soon: ALL good fiction is character-driven. Find out your villain's <i>reason</i> to do what they do. Even if it's just because they're sadists, something happened to make them that way. (Read up on the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marquis_de_Sade" target="_blank">Marquis du Sade</a> - sadism is anything but simple or uninteresting.) Hurting other people is frequently how people release their own pain, and audiences understand that. Let us know how your villain was hurt first, and then we'll understand him. <br />
<br />
Then send him out there to crush his enemies and hear the lamentation of their women.<br />
<br />
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<b> </b>Audiences always think the villain is cooler anyway.<b><br /></b><br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04378504840036463071noreply@blogger.com0