Sunday, 8 December 2013

How to Write To Women on OkCupid

Repost today. Sadly, OKCupid has ceased to host the "journal" feature on which this article was originally posted, which also means the string of (literally hundreds of) reactionary comments are lost to posterity. The article is too good to vanish into the night, so I am republishing it here.

How To Write To Women On OkCupid

1.) Read my profile, and write a letter to me PERSONALLY, from scratch.

No form letters. We can tell. It's insulting. We won't bite.
Example: "Hey my name is Matt 25m livin in lakeview. 5'10 168 lbs brown hair blue eyes. I think I'm a pretty fun guy, I like to go out, have a few drinks, hang out party. I like sports, baseball hiking outdoors stuff like that LOL the one downside just to be honest i do smoke sorry if that bothers u anyway if you'd like to hang out sometime let me know."

First of all, you don't need to tell me your weight. It's amazing how many guys do this. What do you think I'm going to say?
"Oh, I only date MIDDLEWEIGHTS. It's a good thing you let me know you're a light heavy ahead of time."

I don't need to know anything about your physical appearance, actually - did you know your photo pops up by the side when I open your email? In fact, not repeating the generalized, key-word ridden summary of your profile is a really solid tactic. If I wanted to know that, I could click through myself. The above email is effectively a spam broadcasting of your profile.

Try to say something different, maybe personal? If you'd read my profile, you would know I especially don't care for "baseball, hiking, outdoor stuff LOL." Reciting them again just serves to prove that you couldn't even be bothered to read my profile. It makes me think you're not a real person, but a spam bot. Do you think every close-up picture of an ass that friends you on myspace REALLY wants to be your literal, actual friend?

Better example: "I noticed you really like Heinlein... what's your favourite book of his?"

It doesn't have to be some giant essay. I understand that when so many emails receive no reply, it seems a waste of time to compose lengthy, thoughtful letters. Don't. Overly lengthy letters can seem creepy and stalkerish at first, anyway. Just pick one personal trait or interest and make a specific comment, followed by a specific question to encourage reply.

2.) Say something ORIGINAL.

Example: "Hey how r u. u sound like a fun gal. well ne ways i'd like to get to know u so if youd like to know more about me or chat sometime hit me back. peace"

You don't sound like a fun guy. I don't want to know more about you.

You sound like a faceless, mindless, unidentifiable zombie droning "msg me... msg me..." I might as well make friends with the automated phone menu machine. Try to think of something specific that I would enjoy about you and suggest it.

Better example: "I've always wanted to learn tango. Do you swing? I'll teach you to swing if you'll teach me to tango."

P.S. Though it is excellent strategy to cultivate a hobby, such as social dancing, that a majority of girls will be eager to try with you, if you don't have any such catch-all party trick prepared, never fear. Search my profile for ANY interest we may have in common and suggest we do that. Failing that, suggest we do something goofy, non-sexual, fun and kind of ridiculous like building a pillow fort. If we have no common interests and can't have fun doing nothing in particular either, this is clearly not meant to be and you should move on without wasting your time.

3.) Don't compliment me.

Not on the first letter. Just don't. It sounds like senseless flattery, an overt, "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"

Example: "WOW baby u r so hot just WOW."

Don't tell me I'm hot, cute, pretty, amazing, awesome, fun, sexy, interesting, or any generic positive trait to be sought in a mate. I know you want to date and/or fuck me. Why the hell else are you writing me on OKCupid? You have plenty of time to compliment me later, when you have given me a reason to care what you think. Most women can't be bought straight off the bat with senseless flattery. Those who do hoard compliments from any and every stranger are so insecure and neurotic you won't want to deal with it when their fragile ego explodes in a rush of jealous neediness after you DO fuck them.

Example 2: "I must say, you are a fascinating and intelligent woman. I would love to get to know you."
Even proper grammar can't save this one. It's still "nice shoes, wanna fuck?" dressed up. If you are smart enough to write in complete sentences, try putting some worthwhile content into those sentences.

Better example: "What kind of gaming are you into? I just bought a new Myst-type and was looking for some people to crack into it with."

Notice he avoided urge to say "That's so awesome that you're into gaming!" Just try to talk about something, anything, without actually blathering about how great it makes her.

4.) If it's not working, drop it.

Annoying her more is not going to make her like you. The moment you think it's not going somewhere, just drop it. Drop it early, drop it preemptively. I'm not saying be rude or give some ridiculous "I think we should stop talking," speech. Prolonging conversation by discussion how it should be over is ludicrous. Don't talk about how you should shut up, just shut up. You won't lose anything by being reticent. If she did like you, she'll send the next im.

5.) Use whole words.

The days of pay-per-text are over. You will not be charged if you go over 160 characters.

6.) Don't talk about what you are looking for in a relationship.

A necessary component of every relationship is mutually wanting one. It's putting the cart before the horse to start working out the rules of your relationship before you've figured out if you like each other enough to talk.

7.) Avoid sexual comments of any sort.

If I have to explain why, this "dating real people" thing is not going to work for you. Go buy a prostitute. Seriously.


Treat women like people, with personalities. Yes, sex and dating is a factor, but for the vast majority of people, it's not the first factor. Do something to make yourself stand out and give her a reason to want to talk to you personally. Take the time to observe her (hint: READ HER PROFILE) and actually discover if you have good reason to believe you'll get along: you will write far less emails, but you will get far more responses from those you do write to.

If you want a whore, buy a whore. This is how to talk to people.

Good luck.

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